A minute

Growing up, Dad always cycled through my brother's bedrooms, giving us each a minute where he would like down with us as we fell asleep. Each one of us would lie stock still in hopes that Dad would fall asleep and that our "minnie" would stretch longer than 60 seconds. It was our final moments of the day that we always shared with Dad which would lead us to sleep and dreams.

Last night, Emiko had her first true "minnie" with Dad. As we prepped for bed, she set up a little nest on the floor with her stuffed animals (Joshua the Giraffe, bear and pup-pup) and we lay down to cuddle for a moment. While she lay there talking, I gradually dozed off until I realized I was snoring and slowly worked my way back to lucidity. She was still sitting by my side talking to herself and a quick glance at my watch quickly told me that about 15 minutes had past.

Her first "minnie."

I love this kiddo!

Lesson Plan 5 - Patience

Emiko, I was going to use my blog last night as an opportunity to vent. I wrote an entire posting in my head on the way to hockey; all the things I wanted to say. It was going to be my release for all the frustrations I have had over the past few weeks.

When I got to the rink, I saw I was getting a chance to skate with an old friend. Once we got out on the ice, all my frustrations melted away and left me feeling rejuvenated after two games. I was in a better place in my mind.

I began to see the folly in my plan during my drive home. My blog is not an opportunity for me to semi-anonymously vent my frustrations to the world. That would be incredibly wrong. As our world has changed, the Internet has provided too many people the opportunity to post hurtful comments that do nothing to help benefit society. I will not lead you to believe that you will ever be allowed to do the same thing.

Emiko, you must understand that there is a time when you need to stand up and let you voice be heard. But you must never to that under the cover of anonymity. If you feel something needs to be said, do it and stand by your words proudly. Know that Mom and I will stand up with you and support you.

However, there will also be times that you will need to learn that you must bite your tongue. Generation to generation, we have been told that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say a thing. I will also include that if you don't have something beneficial to add to a dialogue, don't seek to interject yourself just for the sake of being heard.

There will be times that you will need to remove yourself from a situation and let it go. Venting your frustrations may not necessarily be the best way to rectify a situation. Approaching certain problems head on may sometimes work but you will need to learn that there are those times that a cooler head will prevail.

Mom and I will help you find ways to let go of those frustrations. It may be a sport you choose to play, it may be an instrument you choose to make music with or it may simply be a special place in the mountains you can retreat to until it has all settled out.

Emiko, Mom and I will do our very best to guide you as you learn to find your way in life. We'll listen when you need to let it all go. We'll be there for a hug when you need us to help you disappear from your troubles. But most of all, we'll stand by your side when you feel your voice needs to be heard.

I love you so much more every time I see you.

Dad

A quiet moment

I noticed a little Honda Element parked along the side of the road on my way to hockey tonight. I've seen cars parked at this location but never quite as askew as this. It looked like they had come in hot and the rear doors were wide open with a sheet spread across the interior. It was empty and no one was inside or in sight.

My heart immediately went out to them as the Element was parked in front of a tiny Emergency Vet clinic where the Vet lives in the adjoining house and is available at all hours of the day and night.

Whenever you see a car parked here late at night, I can only imagine the fear and the pain that must be held inside that tiny red building. But I am also so relieved that a Vet has decided to set up shop, live where he or she works and to be there during my fellow pet owners most trying times.

God bless.

One cool evening after hockey

I played hockey last night. I had a blast, scored a few goals and generally felt pretty darn good on the ice. When we finished, I headed toward home but Hope was already asleep and I was feeling pretty hungry. I settled on a pizza and swung by Old C's.

While I waited for my late night meal, I spent some time catching up by reading some old emails. While I was staring at my Blackberry, this email from Bob Lefsetz came in and as I read it, I was nearly moved to happy tears thinking about the time Hope and I saw U2 at the Pepsi Center.

U2 was always one of the bands on my bucket list. When I got to see them with my future wife, it was a dream come true.

So when I walked out of Old C's, I popped in my remastered copy of Joshua Tree, rolled down the windows and cranked the volume.

I was at peace.

I was in heaven.

I was alive.

I was so appreciative for my many blessings.

Lesson Plan 4- Education

Emiko, I received a message from a person I know in the cycling industry. He is working through school, working at a bike shop and all he wants to do is continue working in the cycling industry. He is wondering how important it is for him to finish college.

D, I would be remiss if I told you not to finish school.

Finish school. While I know plenty of people who work in the cycling industry without the benefit of college education and do fairly well, you will have a better shot getting a job at the company of your choice if you approach them with a college education in your background. Beyond having a simple piece of paper that states you are a graduate, college can also help further your ability to learn new systems quickly. It shows your employers-to-be that you have the motivation to finish what you start and that you are dedicated to continuing your personal education.

I know how difficult, both from a time standpoint as well as a fiscal one, college can be. It took me ten years to pay off my college loans. But I promise you that you will have more opportunity if you decide to finish off school. Finish school.

Finally, as much as you desire to work in the bike industry now, things may change in ten years. You may want to change your career. You may be forced to change your career for various reasons. You may decide to start a new company. Do not limit your future by walking away from an education right now.

Finish school.

I’ll get off my soapbox now.

Emiko, I can not begin to stress how important it will be for you to further your education. We are, right now, faced with a shift in the paradigm of our workplace. Jobs are continuing to be outsourced over seas. Workers are asked to do more on a daily basis with less. Jobs are eliminated and those responsibilities are being shifted to those who remain. Workers are being asked to be more productive with their time as they cover vacated positions that will not be filled.

And none of this is necessarily wrong. As an individual, we will need to be able to adapt to this new way of work life. We need to make sure that rather than stagnating in a position, we continue to push ourselves to learn more and increase our value at work rather than miring ourselves in what some see to be a hopeless position.

It will be a whole new world for you and for me by the time any of this begins to make sense.

I love you. More than anything else.

Dad

Time

It used to be I had all the time in the world. There was no rush and even if I had to be somewhere at a specific time, I usually did not have to worry about going anywhere else afterward. I was used to checking my cell phone for the time and just gauging the rest from there.

These days, it seems like not only do I often have a fairly set schedule, I also have to pay attention to how long I have been doing something as I usually need to run off to the next appointment. Relying on a cell phone that may or may not be in my pocket is no longer reliable.

All this leads up to me needing a watch. I had decided a while back that I wanted to find myself a nice watch...save up some scrill and splurge a bit on something that would be with me for a long time. However, I was having a tough time finding something that suited me. I was also struggling with finding a brand that was neither too hoighty toighty or too Mickey Mouse.

I bumped into a Seiko in my travels and that brought back memories. Memories of my Grandfather's gold Seiko. A watch that was going to stay in the family after he passed on. It was passed along but belongs to someone outside the family due to a little criminal issue in Montreal.

I started keeping my eyes open for the right Seiko and ultimately settled on a Kinetic Seiko that looked like it would fit the bill.

It keeps time. I don't have to wind it. It keeps me on track.

Most of all, every time I see it, I remember my Grandfather. That means more to me than keeping track of what time it actually is.

Every now and then, we have to look back to figure out where we are and see where we are going.

I'm going to miss this bike

I'm going to miss this bike.

I've cleaned her up, checked all the bolts, the wheels, lubed the chain and pulled my name stickers off the frame.

But then I got to my black tape.

As many of you may know or remember, when Anthony passed, I put his initials on a black piece of hockey tape around my seat tube. I've looked at it every day I rode since he passed away. I've looked at it on days when I was not able to ride. I have a similar piece of tape on the right housing of my skates. His memory is there every day.

I assumed after a year passed, I would remove the remembrance and on. But a year passed not too long ago and I was not able to remove the tape. Just as I have not removed his hand writing from my whiteboard at work.

My 575 is sold and the new owner is on his way to our house right now. Everything is done but I can see my bike silhouetted in the garage door from my seat in our kitchen. I can see that small strip of tape wrapped around the seat tube. Despite all the work I have done on the bike, despite all the rides I have been on with my 575 and despite the fact it has been over a year since Anthony left, I just can not seem to do it.

All this with Anthony's sprite-ish sense of humor hanging over my shoulder with a Seinfeld line, "You should just do it like a band-aid. One motion. Right off!"

I had decided that the tape would stay on my skates. But it would stay on that pair of skates. I go through a pair every season or so but I save my old skates in the garage so that pair, that memory, will be with me for the rest of time. Not so with this bike. Most of my bikes will stay with me but my mountain bikes move on to new homes every year or so.

I'll miss the memories. They will not go away but they will fade, just as the memory for this particular bike will fade. And I suppose that this is the process for moving on.

Tommy Cash - The In Crowd

Look this one up. A dear friend just sent this to me and it made me smile and cry at the same time. It's worth listening to.



It's five o'clock and one more working day is finally at an end
I hurry from my job and start my car light the traffic once again
And drivin' down the interstate my tension eases as the traffic fence
Now I lay my worries far behind and wonder what the in-crowd might be doin'

Farther down the road a pretty woman's waitin' with a drink for me
And there's a lotta woman there and pretty soon that's where I'm gonna be
I'm the only one that's missin' I'm the only one the in-crowd's waitin' for
As I drive around the back I leave my car and open up the door

And there stands the in-crowd and they're not a sin-crowd
There's a part of my life-crowd my kids-and-my-wife-crowd
She hands me my coffee and the kids gather round me
And it makes me so proud to be in with the in-crowd
Oh I love the in-crowd and they're not a sin-crowd
They're the light of my life-crowd my kids-and-my-wife-crowd
She hands me my coffee the kids gather round me
And it makes me so proud to be in with the in-crowd

Lesson Plan 3 - Fear

Emiko, there is very little I fear in this world.

I don't want to get hit by a puck. I don't want to fall off my bike. I don't want to crash my car.

Am I afraid of those things? No. They are things I don't want to do because I don't want to deal with the consequences.

But I can tell you that I fear death.

Not in the way that I don't know what will happen to me afterward. Heaven or hell. Or nothing at all. That is not at all what scares me.

I fear death because I don't want to leave you or your Mom behind. I fear death because I don't know what I'll do without my parents. I fear death because I can not fathom ever having to let go of my child.

Emi, I don't know that I have an ultimate lesson for you in this message. But I do know that by talking about what I fear most, it will help allay those nagging fears. I know that by admitting my fears, I can rely on friends and family to help me overcome them. I know that by opening a discussion, it will help close the door to all that I am afraid of.

Your fears change shape over time. I remember being scared of the dark. I remember never wanting to go all the way to the cold room in the basement. I remember being scared of the back room in the old barn.

As you grow, you will overcome your individual fears. Life will present you with new gifts, new obstacles and new directions; you will have to find ways to overcome each new challenge and any fears that may be associated with it.

I'm here to tell you that you don't have to go it alone. Emi, don't ever be afraid to put a voice to your fears. Don't let them gnaw at your soul. Address them, work through them, find a way to conquer them.

Your friends, your family...we'll all be by your side to help you through these challenges. Come to us when you need the help. Ask us your questions. Tell us what scares you the most. Once you do, you'll find a way through it all.

I've been listening to a song by John Mayer lately. It's helping me put words to my fears.

"Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Emi, every day I learn more. Every day I face new challenges. Every day I figure out how to push back my fears just a little more. And every day, I love you more than the last.

I love you.

Dad

Happy Birthday

While this serves as a (bit belated posting) happy birthday to my wonderful wife, what really passes through my mind is a moment of appreciation.

I want to say thank you to her father and mother for bringing such a wonderful person into this world...my world. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful partner in my life and attribute much of that to everything her parents gave her.

To Barb and Skip, a heartfelt thank you. I hope we can do as much for our daughter as you have done for yours.

1st MTB Ride of 2010

It wasn't spectacular. It wasn't epic. It hurt (my ass...my lungs).

But it was fantastic!

I was with my good friend and co-worker, Phil. I had a grin on my face because it is 63 degrees out and it is supposed to snow tomorrow. It was warm and the trails were dry. The trails were easy and that allowed my thoughts to wander.

They wandered to the past season of hockey. I was thinking that I wouldn't think of Anthony as much (I think of him every time I step on the ice...more on that in a later post). Yet I realized he would always be there riding along. I see him in the shadows of riders. I see him in the pictures of the scenery, the plants and the animals that are framed in my mind. I'll continue to hear his subtle sense of humor.

I'll continue to miss my friend but at the same time, I'll continue to celebrate life.

Something Special

I got to see something special tonight. I was honored to be selected to work playoffs for the AHA this year and worked the home series for Air Force against Army. The Black and Blue rivalry is strong, storied and may be one of the best in all of college hockey.

Tonight's game was tight, tough and hard hitting. And it was close right up to the very end. But despite Air Force coming out ahead, I only saw winners on the ice when the final horn went off. Despite the agony of defeat, I saw future comrades embracing, congratulating and consoling each other in the handshake line. I saw some of our best and brightest pass before me.

And at the end, when the home team typically salutes their fans at center ice, both teams stood around the circle. Both teams saluted the fans. Finally, both teams took their respective blue lines and stood stock still while both alma maters were played.

And that was the final piece that got me. Despite the rivalry, despite the athletic aggression that took place on the ice, they will soon be looking after each other. All of them will serve our country in the coming years. These young men truly will go to war together and will support each other regardless of the history that was made on the ice.

I was honored just to get to see both games and more honored to get to share the ice with these outstanding young men.

Welcome

My cousin and his wife have brought Mary Ida Ferreiro into this world on 3/10/2010. We welcome you and can't wait to meet you!

Driving toward home...

It's incredible what manages to drift through your mind when you are thinking clearly.

What a good night. I finished up my work week with Game 1 of a three game series for NCAA hockey playoffs tonight. After working a good game, hanging with friends for food and drinks post game, I climbed into my comfy (heated) seat and pointed the car north toward home.

And I turned the music on.

Tonight was just below freezing. Enough to warrant turning on a little heat and then cracking a window to get enough fresh air to stay sharp at 80 mph. To cap it off, I cranked the music and just let the iPod shuffle.

Somewhere during the drive, I began to hear music from my past. Old favorites. Songs that took me back to college. To times when there were few responsibilities. Few cares besides getting my home work done. No real bills to speak of. Music took me back to memories of life in the dorms, life in my Middlebury apartment. Riding my bike, playing hockey and constantly hanging out with my friends. To times when there were no cares in my world.

Somewhere in that mix of old music was a newer song. An artist Hope and I have recently discovered.

"Cause this life is a beautiful one
And though I've seen it comin' undone
I know most definitely
It's gonna be you and it's gonna be me"

And with this song and a return to my present place in life, I found myself grinning in the dashboard lights. A smile for this wonderful wife I am blessed with. Joy for this beautiful daughter who is writing an incredible new chapter for me to read each day. An appreciation for all the responsibilities that I now carry no matter how heavy.

I wouldn't trade any of it to go back. As much as those memories are fun, my current life trumps them all. I carry those burdens of work, bills and late night drives happily because they all melt away every time Hope welcomes me home with a kiss and every time Emiko looks at me and says Dada.

I love this life.

In Memory of Brendan Burke

Tragedy comes, as always, as a surprise. Whenever someone's children predecease their parents, it creates the sense that something is completely askew in our world. It is out of the natural order, it is a fear that finds root in a parent's stomach, it is a reminder to hold dear every moment we have in this plane of existence.

Brendan was not unlike any other 21 year old. He was a senior at University of Miami in Ohio. He was involved not only in the culture at the school but he was also a student manager for the NCAA Div. 1 hockey team. Brendan was also the son of Brian Burke, the GM for the Toronto Maple Leafs and also the US Olympic hockey team.

But these are not the reason Brendan was on my radar. As tragic as his death is, I know him for his bravery.

In November, he announced to the world that he was gay. The amount of support that was generated within the hockey community on all levels was outstanding. Brendan had quit hockey in high school because he was uncomfortable in a homophobic locker room. But while at University of Miami, he found a home. Not only within the community of the school, but in the welcoming arms of the hockey team there. His coming out was supported not only by his family but by the Div. 1 team he helped manage.

As proud as I was for being selected to work a big game last Saturday night, I wish I could have attended the Av's game. They held a moment of silence for Brendan prior to the game and I would have been honored to have had a chance to stand and take part.

Brendan will be remembered for his courage. He started down a path that I am sure many more will follow. Hopefully, sometime in the near future, other players like Brendan will be remembered not for their sexual preference but for the save they just made, the goal they just scored or the penalty they just helped kill off.

Brendan's legacy will live on. His name, his coming out and, unfortunately, his death have inspired conversations with some of my friends in the hockey world. All good conversations, all in support of Brendan at all levels and all admiring his bravery.

Godspeed Brendan Burke. Godspeed.