Spirits

I worked with my big brother last night. We shared some laughs, some frustrations and shared of our spirits after the games were over. As we talked, Butch asked an interesting question.

"Do you still see him?"

I was not quite sure what he meant initially. Was I having nightmares? Was there a vision burned into my memory? But a few seconds later, I got it. Was Anthony visiting me. I realized I have seen Anthony recently. Or...not so much seen him as heard him.

I have never been particularly religious and I generally don't give a great deal of thought to the afterlife but I have always considered myself at least mildly spiritual. And that is exactly what my previous post was about...though I didn't realize it at the time.

Anthony has been at my side twice now. Joking with me. Singing to me. Laughing and smiling. Letting me know that all is well. He is opening my eyes to my own humanity and spirituality. And there is no way I can thank him enough for that.

I owe Butch, too. He has been my guide through all of this, helping me to understand the communication that is coming to me.

And this reminds me of how blessed and lucky I have been in the past. My Grandfather, years after he passed away, came to visit me and Hope in a dream one night. This dream is from 2 years ago but it is still vivid in my memory. He sat in our kitchen, patiently waiting to head out for lunch somewhere in town, as if no time had passed since I was a child. He was there to say hi, to check in on me. And I know he'll visit again to check in on little Emiko.

Anthony, I'm learning. I'm learning that you can still talk to all of us. We simply need to open our ears and listen. Godspeed and ride on!

A song, a voice and a chuckle

The healing process continues as the days pass by. Things cotinue their inevitable roll forward as each day progresses.

On Friday last week, we gathered in Evergreen to celebrate Anthony's life. I had a collection of his bikes on my roof as I drove up and I heard them singing to me. The sunroof was open and their were whistles and hums coming from various bikes as I cruised up the hill. For a moment, it felt like my friend was there to reassure me that all was ok.

Today, I took what remained of Anthony's shirts to Goodwill. As I handed the collection to the employee, I heard Anthony chuckle and ask if I "was taking him out with the trash." Just a moment of his wry humor but it was enough to elicit a smile on my behalf. He would want nothing more than to give of himself during these final moments. While it was difficult to say goodbye to his familiar things, it felt good knowing they were going to help others.

Just as Anthony would....

Welcome Alexa

Welcome to a beautiful world Alexa. You are blessed with incredible parents and an older brother that will love and look after you. We are all looking forward to meeting you face to face.

Seth, Hope, Emiko and Gibson

Godspeed Anthony Sloan

There are far too many stories to tell about this incredible human being. Anthony Sloan's incredible wanderlust, joie de vivre, quest for epic rides, ability to take the perfect shot through the camera lens and the ability to touch the hearts of every one he came in contact with will be missed. Anthony was truly the man who, whilst he wandered, was never at all lost.

Anthony's photos and journals touched the hearts of many whom had never met him. Many friends and family members of mine had followed his travels from afar and were awestruck with his passion, the spell of beauty he could cast and his whole hearted love for all around him.

Anthony was both the subject of many a prank and also assisted as the merry prankster as well. When we were building his Road Project many years ago, we took several photos of his bike coming together as he appreciated the art of assembly and welding. One set of pictures showed up with his new frame having wooden twigs for seatstays instead of the alloy we traditionally use. He was also an accomplice of mine in a prank I pulled on wife during her pregnancy. Hope and I had been discussing a new car and while she was off in Maine visiting family, I took several pictures of myself and of Gibson riding in Anthony's Miata. Hope was convinced her bungling husband had gone and made a huge mistake and Anthony helped me perpetuate that myth (well, part myth) by agreeing to let me take the little car to the airport to pick her up. I finally had to fess up before her return as I feared she may stay in Maine for the rest of her pregnancy and have a little Maine baby instead of a Colorado native.

Anthony's sense of humor brought him to XKCD and I was lucky that he shared the comic strip with me.

Anthony was lucky enough to have a job that helped preserve his wandering spirit. His demo schedule allowed him to range throughout the western half of the US. His photos from the road of the vistas, of the rides and of Grendel allowed us to participate in his travels even if only from the front of computer screen here in Colorado. His "A Picture a Day, 2008" was an exercise in photojournalism that inspired me to visit his site every morning during 2008 hoping for a new picture. And when he fell behind in posting photos, he would get a daily call from me prodding for new photos until his site was updated.

Anthony and I often enjoyed a breakfast burrito from the Bonfire trailer in Golden, though not often enough. We would frequently exchange phone calls or text messages to see who was going to pick up our morning meal though, with few exceptions, invariably it would be Anthony who was running early and had the time to swing by the little yellow trailer.

And that's the thing. Anthony was always on time, he had never missed an appointment and he maintained a meticulous schedule. Thursday was the first time I had ever known him to be late for a demo or for anything at all. It was so unlike him that all of us here in the office feared that he had gone off on a morning ride, hurt himself and was slowly working his way out of the wilderness.

My adopted older brother, my mentor and one of my closest friends is full-blooded Sioux and very spiritual. Butch gave me these words of comfort: There is a reason I was the one chosen to find Anthony on Thursday. That reason may not reveal itself immediately, it may take some time. I am allowed to get angry, to be upset with this decision but I will ultimately be shown why it was me.

I went down to Anthony's house in Golden to check and see if he was around. The demo rig and trailer were parked on his street and I could hear Grendel inside. Anthony never went anywhere without Grendel and I was surprised that the dog would be home by himself. I called Anthony's roommate, followed his directions to the spare key and stepped inside. The following space of time felt like an eternity but every step in my memory is vivid and calm.

The most important thing is that Anthony had friends with him from there on out. Dave, his roommate arrived, Joe was there and Hoog and Chris showed up too. In the end, we may have been there more for support of each other but I think Anthony would have been comforted knowing that it was his friends and not strangers that were there looking after him in those final moments.

Despite my beliefs, I took comfort in knowing Anthony was off riding endless single track somewhere. And to Butch's words as I reflect on everything over the past few days, I may have started down the path to understanding. My mother's reaction to Butch's comments was that I would find the right words to say to his family during their time of grief. And that has always been my struggle. I have never addressed or dealt with death well. As friends have passed away, I have often written letters to their family which were never sent. I never felt that my words were right.

But after the most difficult conversation I have ever had, a call to Anthony's mother to share in her grief, I have realized that it isn't the words that matter. It is simply the presence of being there.

To my friend's whose letters were never sent, I apologize for not being there for you and I want you to know that despite my lack of words or my presence, I WAS mourning from a distance. I simply lacked the fortitude to make my presence known.

To Anthony's family, I am still unsure as to why I was chosen but I promise to learn from this. I'm here to share in your grief and here to help in any way that I can. And you need to know that we are not the only ones. Anthony touched the hearts of many and you can see some of the breadth of his influence here, a website where he was a regular poster and visitor.

And, finally, to my dear friend Anthony. When JRR Tolkien wrote "Not all those who wander are lost," he was writing about you.

May you find the perfect single track that ends only where the sun sets. May you find the perfect light for your perfect photos. May you journey to all ends of our planet and this universe. And may you find a pen and a blank sheet of paper to record your travels and share them with us when we join you. Godspeed and Noli Umquam Oblivisci. We all miss you so much.

LD 1020 and 89-57

It's another beautiful day here in Colorado. The sun is out, the grass is green and all is well. But the day is even more incredible back in Maine. The Senate and House have both passed LD 1020 (21 - 14 and 89-57, respectively). This is a step toward legalizing gay marriage in the great state of Maine.

Is the battle over?

No. Unfortunately, there is a group who is trying to organize a people's veto by collecting 55,087 signatures which is not outside the realm of possibility. But the fight exists and while it is not clear where the governor stands on this divisive issue, it is clear that the majority of Maine's government is ready to take a stand on their beliefs.

It's a proud day for us Mainers!

More here....