So close, so far

Another late night drive home. An evening of reffing before retreating to my home.

As I cruise home on a lonely highway, I can see the mountains outlined to my west. Tiny house lights scattered across the slope, they look like fire flies sparkling in the night sky.

Sparkle....

Sparkle....

A sparkle, according to my daughter, is what little girls are before they are born and after they die. Twinkles are little boys. My daughter's explanation to the creation and passing of life. An explanation so simple yet so creative. And far deeper and wiser than her few years should allow. May she remain so as she grows.

This thought of my daughter causes me to turn my head from the west. Before me lies the sleeping shadow of North Table Mountain. And to the east? Out over the suburban glow of Denver. Out into the plains through Kansas. Out to Missouri where my wife, my love, first attended college and I once visited.

My wife, the trooper. Trucking our family across this vast nation by herself. Manning the helm whilst entertaining the children, feeding them, consoling them and watching over them. 

Missouri where my family lies asleep at the Lake of the Ozarks. So close...I feel I could reach them across the plains through the inky darkness tonight. Hold them in my arms as they sleep. Yet...so far. Still two days of traveling before the return home to Colorado.

I want them here now. To crack the doors as I return home and check on each sleeping love. And to slip silently into bed beside my wife as I retire from the day. 

Safe travels.

Enjoy the visits.

See you soon.

Time - Part Deux

I received a message from my brother-in-law yesterday. Which means he is home. Safe. A welcome relief always.

Beyond the safe return of one of my best friends, my brother, this also marks a changing of the guard, if you will. This morning, I went to my armoire, pulled out a different watch, wiped off the dust and briefly shook it to wind it up.

Wearing a watch has become a daily routine. Losing my watch, asking the kids where it may be and finding it is all part of said routine. Often, the conversation with Emi is simply, "Emi, have you seen my black watch?" The answer is almost always, "Yes, I put it somewhere safe."

The safe place often changes. But my watch is almost always there. Sometimes the watches go missing for a bit longer only to show up in a sock drawer months down the road. It's all part of the fun.

While I was in Boston, my dear friend Fibby asked about the watch on my wrist. Commented that she had not seen it before. It made me smile before I answered.

It was quite some time ago that I wrote this post regarding my new watch. I still have this watch. I still wear it every game day when I have to put on a suit. There are several watches in my armoire now. Each one tells a story, has a purpose, each may even be a talisman. I'll save most of those stories for another time and simply tell the story of two.

There is a silver Seiko I have which is part of a set purchased for all the men in my family several Christmases ago. Each of us have the same watch. Hopefully, it gives each of us a connection every morning when we wake up and put on our watch...that each of us is doing the same thing at one moment, even thousands of miles apart. This Seiko connection goes further back to my Grandfather, my Dad's Dad, as he had a gold Seiko he wore every day.

This is the watch I pulled out this morning. Dusted off. Wound up. Reset. With thoughts of my father, my two brothers and my Grandfather. But it isn't the watch Fibby had asked about in Boston.

The watch I was wearing in Boston was a gift to me from my brother-in-law who so recently returned. It is a watch he was given, a gift from the army during a competition. When he generously handed it to me, I began wearing whenever I rode his motorcycle, since, in my mind, the two seemed to go together. When I purchased my bike, I continued to wear his watch whenever I climbed on the bike. It just seemed right. Whether it is a good luck thing or purely a habit, it is certainly a talisman.

And then, when he deployed, I began wearing it every day. As a reminder of his service to our country. As a reminder that our country is still fighting a war abroad. As a reminder that he is in harm's way.

But he is back now. His watch goes into my armoire, only to be pulled out for motorcycle rides. And I wear a reminder of my family on my wrist.

A Return to Colorado

This was written as my plane landed on June 25th...it simply has taken me this long to sit down and transpose the notes from my phone to the computer. Sad, isn't it? I have all the time in the world as my family is in Maine yet I could not find time until now.

I am watching the farmer's giant circular crops slip past my window. And I see the highway which carried us so far far East away from home.

Our home.

I am confused on so many levels as to where home truly is. When I am here in Colorado, home is always in the state where I was born. Our house in Mercer. My parents. Home.

But when I visit Maine, home is that very distant and mountainous state which I have adopted. We have adopted. I convinced Hope to move to Colorado. I somehow tricked her into marrying me (she got the short end of that stick). And we continue to live here even though our parents, now our children's grandparents, are so very far away.

This return to Colorado leaves me far from my family. My children looked so forlorn as I pulled away from home this morning. And now I return to an empty house with scattered reminders of my children and my wife who are oh so far away.

But I return to work. To our family dog, Gibson. He keeps an eye on me, keeps me company, keeps me in the familiar routines that dogs are able to maintain for their owners. And Gibson? He always knows exactly where home is. Home is anywhere as long as you are with those who love you the most.

Cancer Sucks Game #9 / Emiko's Dreams

Game #9 Grizzlies vs Eagles

Sorry for the delayed post on this one. Took the picture, sent it to myself and then forgot to get it uploaded here. But I wanted to post something Emiko said/something Hope sent to Nonni.

From Hope's email:

"...this morning Emi told me about a dream she had last night:

"Nonni and I had wings. We were pushing off the floor so we could fly
around together like fairies. You (mom) and Dad and Ojisan kept
telling us not to, but Nonni and I wanted to fly together so we kept
trying and then we did! We had so much fun flying around the house!"

Now if THAT doesn't make you feel better I don't know what will. You
are sooo important to Emi & Winn- not sure if you know just how much
they love you. The love of children is so very pure and strong, and
you should know that you are a part of their lives every single day,
whether or not you are physically with us. So many times they bring
you up in conversation; they want to share things with you and show
you what they are doing. Even Winn, when asked "who flies on a jet
plane?" always answers "Nonni!!"

If you can't fly on a jet plane this weekend, no worries, we know
we'll see you when we can. Until then, just don those fairy wings and
visit us in our dreams.  We love you so much, there are no words to
express it.

Feel better soon!"

Timshel

I'm lying awake in a silent house far too late at night. My wife has passed out long ago, after putting each of the children to bed. Where was I? I selfishly disappeared to play hockey, my one night a week when I get a chance to pick up a stick and play instead of work.

There is such love in this house. I'm amazed at how this family has grown, the love that is shared and the time that is spent. I'm grateful for my parents and Hope's parents for sharing time with us here in Colorado. It makes them feel like they live far closer than the 2100 miles that separate us.

Emiko, Winslow, Gibson and I shared some time in the backyard tonight. Emiko proceeded to tackle me when I announced that I had to leave for hockey. Winslow then piled on and we all lay in the grass laughing. Gibson cuddled up close to where we were rolling about.

Their laughter and delight proceeded to keep me long after I had planned on climbing in the car. How do you choose to walk away from such moments? I can't. I revel in them. I memorize them. I choose to delay that departure to play for a moment longer. And I set them to a soundtrack....

I'm so very, very lucky.

Fire

 Below are photos coming in from friends and family. 

My brother-in-law, Sam, is stationed in the Colorado Springs. He has been able to watch the smoke from the Waldo Canyon fire for the past few days.

The view from his deck:

View from Sam's deck

Waldo Canyon fire coming over the ridge

Evac time

 Sam was evacuated late last night.

Another friend, Joe, in the Springs was evacuated a while ago. The fire has been tearing through his neighborhood and we are hoping that his family's house is spared.

A fire started yesterday just west of Boulder. Auntie Molly is currently digging fire line in Boulder today. They are hoping to keep the fire out of Boulder proper. We are hoping the weather cooperates.

Another friend is also working the fire in Boulder. Sterling is an assistant chief for one of the outlying communities but everyone seems to have been pulled in.

Molly's view at the Flagstaff Fire

Thoughts, prayers, positive vibes...whatever we can send their way. The folks here in Colorado need it.

Life hits hard

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."

Life hits hard. It hits unexpectedly. It can throw you off your game, make your eyes water, make your knees buckle.

Everything started around Christmas. One of our employees lost her mother to a sudden brain aneurysm. She collapsed during an epic powder day. Then one of the owner's father had a sudden grand mal seizure out of the blue, something that never happened before. The doctors have been struggling to get the proper drug cocktail for him so he was in the hospital for days. An uncle, a man I think of before every hockey game I work, suddenly took ill and has been hospitalized off and on over the past few weeks. The initial scare was cancer but it turned out to gall stones. The initial operation took care of the pain temporarily but he was then hit with an infection and another gall stone attack. My father-in-law has been dealing with an ankle problem that can only be rectified with surgery. At best, he would be in a wheelchair for 2 months after the surgery and then a soft cast for 2 more months. The concern is that since he is in his 70's, surgery could be a challenge and the semi-worst case is that he would lose his foot.

Couple all of this with the news I got yesterday from my parents.

My mom and dad sold their Rialta with plans to buy an SUV and travel trailer. I have been looking for the appropriate tow vehicle for the past month or so. We were getting ready to purchase a truck when the call came in that we needed to hold off on any purchases until other things were figured out.

My father explained that Mom had been feeling short of breath. They finally went in and found that fluid had built up around her lung, essentially collapsing her lung. And then they found cancer cells in that fluid. So she was now scheduled for a bone scan to determine if anything else was going on and that she would need to start a low dose chemo treatment.

This all made me feel like my knees were going to buckle. My eyes were already watering from the sting. Dad was doing all the talking because Mom just wasn't in a place to talk right then.

During her first battle with cancer, she always listened to the soundtrack from Braveheart. It was music that lifted her spirits and set her mind on fighting the cancer that had grown inside her. She has still never seen the movie. She doesn't need to...she fought that battle in her head over and over and over.

Mom, I don't know what words can help. All I keep coming back to is this: "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

My Mom is a fighter. She will get her feet under her and she will walk forward into this with her head high. And all her family and friends will be walking by her side to help her fight this next battle.

Mom, there is a whole army ready to go to war with you.

Today is a big day. My uncle is in for surgery to have his gall bladder removed. My father-in-law is meeting with the doctors to make a decision about his ankle. My Mom is in for a bone scan to see what we are up against.

I wish all of us luck.

Lesson Plan 8 - Listen to the World, Listen to Your Heart

Emiko and Winslow, this morning, I was getting ready to put on my gear, climb on Uncle Sam's motorcycle and drive to work. As I pulled my boots on, Emi looked at me and said, "Daddy, take those off and put your flipflops on. Don't take your motorcycle, drive your car."

I paused and was about to ignore her advice. But Emi had awakened a small voice inside.

"Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World, and it will one day return there."

I ride the motorcycle to save a little money on gas. I ride it also because it is fun. But it scares me. A lot. I am so exposed, such a novice and all too aware of the potential dangers should I get clipped or lay it down.

Back when I used to ski every weekend, I used to listen to the signs in my heart. If I forgot a vital piece of equipment, I'd assume I wasn't meant to ski that day. When my heart told me I was done, I got off the mountain. I tried to make sure I didn't tempt fate.

Emiko, I took your comment this morning as a warning for the day. I make a solemn promise to you and Winlsow that I will continue to listen to my heart. I will heed the warnings and I will revel in the joy that you two bring to our lives.

All my love.

Dad

Gravel

These past two days have had their own running soundtrack. Just one song stuck on repeat in my head every time I start up the moto.

I hear the sound of your bike

As the wheels hit the gravel

Then the engine in the driveway cutting off

And I pushed through the screen door

And stood out on the porch

Thinking fight fight fight at all costs.

But instead I let you in 

Just like I've always done

And sat you down and offered you a beer.

And across the kitchen table

I fired several rounds

But you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared.

And you came crawling back to say

That you want to make good in the end.

And oh oh let me count the ways

I abhor you.

Not the best of ideas, I suppose. My Mom and Dad hate it. My father mentioned that we got in a big screaming match when I told him I was going to get a motorcycle. When I was four. It only took 31 years. My wife disapproves but hasn't said much other than not to get dead. At the same time, using the moto to commute a bit here and there will save a ton on gas costs.

All I need is my leather

One t-shirt and two socks.

I'll keep my hands warm in your pockets

And we can use the engine block.

We'll ride out to California

With my arms around your chest

And I'll pretend this is real

'Cause this is what I like best.

And you've been juggling two women

Like a stupid circus clown,

Telling us both we are the one.

And maybe you can keep me

From ever being happy

But you're not going to stop me from having fun.

So let's go before I change my mind

I'll leave the luggage of all your lies behind

'Cause I am bigger than everything thing that came before.

And you were never very kind

And you let me way down every time

But oh oh what can I say

I adore you.

Mind you, this is not my moto. My brother in law bought it from a buddy of mine and then Sam promptly took off, leaving the moto in our garage. Honda 1975 400 Super Sport. And boy-oh-boy is it lots of fun.

I promise to be careful, I really do. The moment I am no longer scared out of my mind, the moment I start thinking that car sees me, I'm putting it away.

Thanks to Ani Difranco for the running soundtrack as of late!

Welcome Winslow Asano Mukai

We are so excited to introduce this new child into our lives.

Winslow Asano Mukai was born June 12, 2011 at 9:18 AM. What a wonderful way to meet this little guy and Hope lucked out with a very short labor before Winn was born.

Little Winslow, you need to know your name carries great meaning. You get to carry on my wife's family name. And just as you carry her name forward into the next generation, you are resurrecting another family name as well. Your great-great-great grandfather was an Asano in Japan. He was adopted by the Mukai family to carry their name on since your adoptive family had no male heirs. 

Thank you for joining us here, we already love you so much!

Flogging Daddy

Yesterday, I successfully avoided starting my car (no, I didn't drive the Rover and didn't drive wifey's car instead). Well, ok, this isn't entirely true, I did start my car to pull it back into the garage when the day was through.

Anyway, this isn't about not using dead dinosaurs. Because I did run my gas grill for about 2 hours making a beer can chicken.

Not about gasoline...not about gasoline.

Yesterday, Hope began making plans for lunch and supper in the morning. I took one look at her pregger belly and said, "why don't I handle getting/prepping/cooking food."

Emiko immediately took to this as it was a chance for her to head to the store with me. The two of us agreed that we would take our bicycle and trailer to our local grocery store.

The ride down was easy. Shopping left me very nervous as I had left a very rare titanium Yeti ARC locked in the parking lot for all to see. Not to mention the trailer....

But this story is about the ride home. Emi was quite content in her trailer as we left the store with a chunk of Babybel cheese in her hand. She was a talking up a storm as we climbed the first hill on the way home.

As we crossed Easley, she asked me to sing her the same song we sing when we turn onto 60th in our car.

"We're almost to Emi's house
We're almost to Emi's house
We're almost to Emi's house
We're almost there.

We're almost to Emi's house
We're almost to Emi's house
We're almost to Emi's house
We're almost there."

And then she will tell me which names to substitute in. Daddy. Mommy. Gibson. Jeffy. Baby Bear. Etc etc etc.

So I sang to her. In between each line, I'd take a breath and try to willfully slow my heart beat.

And then.

Emi began to yell, "faster faster faster" from her trailer. Right as I got passed by some schmo on a full suspension Trek. Who proceeded to blow up about 50 yards out in front of me. He must have heard me singing to Emi and decided, "I'll put the hammer down and pass this goofy Dad/daughter." But he couldn't hold the speed and I upped my output while still singing to Emi. I was still closing the gap when I turned into my neighbourhood.

When we got home, Hope looked at me and asked why I was so worked.

I replied, "no reason..." and collapsed on the couch.

My Brother-in-Law Kicks Ass

No really. He does!

Special Forces NCO of the Year. Thank kind of kicks ass.

Read this.
And know that he mowed our lawn this weekend. SpecOps Lawn Service. He mows with tactical precision.

Did I mention he kicks ass?

Lesson Plan 7 - The Importance of Family

"Family is not an important thing, it's everything." - Michael J. Fox

Dearest Emiko, the quote above says it all, in fact, I'm having a difficult time trying to think of ways to expound on this. However, I would like to point out that family is not always blood relation. Family is also those friends closest to you, your sisters and brothers from other mothers.

Family will always help you get back up.

Family will always be there in your darkest hour.

Family will always share with you in the good and bad.

Family will always challenge you but they will never ask you why.

Family will always show you that you are loved.

Emi, I grew up a long way from our related family. It was an 8-10 hour trip from Maine to see our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. And so, while we cherished those visits with our relatives, we also had a tight group of family friends who doubled as our Maine family. Our parents were best friends with our best friend's parents. That gave us two additional sets of parents who made sure we stayed in line, made sure we remained disciplined, made sure we didn't slack off from our studies. We always knew someone who loved us was looking after us.

My Mom and Dad always impressed upon us the importance of taking care of your family, and your friends, first. Your Mom and I hope to be able to do the same.

Family first, always.

With so much love,

Dad

Canadian Thanksgiving

Family and friends, all at our house....

We got to do the full turkey and all the fixings in honor of all things Canadian today (actually...it just made sense since Mom was in town and Molly and Cheryl will be working for Thanksgiving).

A tremendous guest list made it even more fun. Cousin Chris, Uncle Sam, Aunties Molly and Cheryl, Mom, Cousin George, Auntie Mary Jo, and of course the Colorado Mukai family were all in attendance.

Good times, good food and I'm wiped. But a huge thanks to all for showing up and making this Sunday such a special day. Emiko had a wonderful time with new friends and old!

Welcome

My cousin and his wife have brought Mary Ida Ferreiro into this world on 3/10/2010. We welcome you and can't wait to meet you!

Gibson is a father too

We (Hope, Emiko, Cheryl, Molly and Gibson) all piled into the family car for a visit up to Stacy's to see Gibson's 4 week old puppies. It was an early start from the house in Golden for us but we were all excited to see Gibson's pups.

When we arrived, Emiko was rapidly surrounded by about five or six adult Berner's. She was shy at first but her excitement at seeing so many "pup pups" rapidly overcame her desire to be held in our arms. She began to run around in Stacy's kitchen, waiting for the dogs to come find her.

From there, we moved out to the porch to see the puppies. Emiko peered over the gating at the little dogs at first. Hope laid out a clean towel in the puppy nursery, sat down on the floor and sat Emi on her lap. When the first puppy came by, Hope gently picked it up and set it Emi's lap.

Emiko first started out by gently patting the puppy's back. And then she leaned over, rested her face against the puppy's back, and cuddled it long enough for several cameras to capture the moment. After that, it became excessively difficult to say no to picking up a new puppy for her to play with.

What a wonderful Saturday morning!

An apple a day

I had the pleasure of meeting up with Hope and Emiko at school today for a little lunch. Actually, I've been meeting them for lunch quite a bit as of late. It's been quite nice to see the girls and spend an extra hour with them every day!

I had an apple to finish my meal today and Emi was quite intrigued. She crawled over to me and watched as I took bites while I sat on the floor with her. I held the apple out for her and at first, she simply kissed it. But you could see she was intrigued with the flavor on her lips. She leaned in again and spent some time sucking on the apple. And then she began to gnaw on it. She loved the flavor and was ultimately able to work a piece of apple loose and chewed on that for a while.

Every day, something new. I feel blessed to have been there to watch her discover a new food!

How 'bout we go camping

Our first foray into camping with Emi was necessitated by Yeti's Tribe Gathering. We sourced a new tent to accommodate Emi's Pack-n-Play along with along with all the gear that goes hand in hand when travelling with a small child. An 8-person North Face palace!

With no dry run and accompanied by friends from Denver and the Pacific Northwest, we headed off to Winter Park to give it a shot. I had this bad feeling we'd be renting a room somewhere in town when Emi decided she had had enough.

Emi, however, decided she loved the experience. She loved playing in the dirt, walking in the stream and exploring the corners of her new tent. She made a game out of climbing on and off our inflatable mattress, watched Gibson as he wandered in the outdoors and had a fantastic time. Not to mention that she essentially slept through each night.

She had such a good time that we packed into our car the following weekend and headed off for an overnight trip to Buffalo Creek. This kid loves being outside!

Death

It seems to wait for us all, doesn't it? Yet, most of us go about our lives with nary a thought to the magnitude of what it means. Sure, we set up accounts for our loved ones, we make plans for the inevitable and we sometimes are forced to think about the enormity of it all. But for only fleeting moments. We return to our daily lives and forget about those concerns.

We have to. If we spent every day waiting for impending doom, we'd not accomplish a thing. Work would be ignored. Chores would go about the wayside. Our family life would be in shambles. Clearly, this is the human way to live a life.

Every now and then, I visit Anthony's Facebook page. I look at a face both familiar and unfamiliar. It's hard to believe that he has somehow left us, it seems as if it were only yesterday that we shared a laugh or engaged in some sort of mischief. It still brings tears to my eyes when I have to remember that there is no tomorrow to visit with him. Only yesterdays.

But that brings about other concerns, largely for my family.

Who would be there for Emi should something happen. Or for Hope? I have certain expectations about where they would go should the worst happen. Yet, at the same time, it is utterly inconceivable. Utterly.

Such are ramblings on a Monday night. A full work day, very little time with my girls and two hockey games later, I'm left to my own devices in my living room, surrounded by an explosion of Emi's toys, camping gear and our clothing. Such things happen when you spend your weekends playing and shirking the duty of chores. And late night memories of a friend now gone.

I miss you, Anthony Sloan. It's been too long since we last chatted.

"O Death
O Death
Won't you spare me over 'til another year"
-Ralph Stanley

7/8/09 - 37 Years

It's funny, anniversary dates have not meant much to me in the past. Perhaps since, for the longest time, I did not have one. I was aware that family, friends and colleagues would celebrate the yearly occurrence but the significance of these dates was quite ethereal to me. It almost seemed to me like just another year to be viewed with the same irrelevance which I regard my birthday.

But as I grow, I learn.

It is not simply another year. An anniversary is the celebration of life together. Love shared. Hardships overcome. Joy seen from a pair of eyes that also see as one.

Days often seem to fly by and intermingle with the next. It is not often that we slow down and take pause to reflect on the life we lead as individuals, as pairs and as groups. And it is oh so important to remember to not let life pass us by but to relish each of the days life grants to us.

I spent a few days at home in the past week visiting with family. I saw my childhood house as a place that does not only harbor old memories for my parents. They have continued to add new memories to the house. Rock walls. A patio. Bee hives. Running water.

And I now look at my parents with greater awe. The life they continue to create and nurture with each other. The guidance they can offer to me as a new parent who aspires to follow their lead. I realize what an accomplishment it is to spend 37 years together and to continue to be happy, in love and never tired of each others company.

Happy anniversary Mom and Dad!