My fears

Everything I learned...

I learned from Calvin and Hobbes.

And when my kids wonder why I screw with them so much, let this be their lesson.

Hamster Huey

I always thought this was funny "ha ha".

Now...well, now I understand. And I'm no longer sure it's funny "haha". I may just be funny "funny".

Smock

This may very well be the original strip that sold me on Calvin and Hobbes. It is undoubtedly one of my favorites out of the hilarity that made up the entire strip. It is a standout. One that I can always picture in my mind's eye. One that still makes me laugh.

Guns

Growing up, our parents were fairly reticent when it came to letting us play with toy guns. The upside/downside of being born to hippie parents (Mom resembles this comment...Dad probably resents it). We were allowed squirt guns and a handful of cap guns and I have a memory of Dad cutting a toy gun out of a piece of wood with a jig saw but that was pretty much it. BB guns were out of the question. I bought a slingshot that was confiscated on parental grounds. Anything that looked real was out of the question.

Fast forward to high school...

I started dating Hope our junior year. There is a story I like to tell about our first official date.

I arrived at her house in my silver diesel Rabbit. I knocked on the door to the mud room and heard Skip bellow out, "C'mon in." His voice dwarfed the noise made by what sounded like a very vicious and angry dog. I opened the door and stepped into the mudroom and then knocked on the next door which led to a small passageway between the kitchen and the living room. Again came a bellow, "C'mon in." This, again, over the noise of what sounded to be a dog well past the foaming at the mouth stage.

I cracked the door and was met first by an Aussie Shepherd with teeth bared. He did not like me. He never liked me.... After I assessed his posture and decided it was only a 50/50 chance he wouldn't bite me, I stepped past and was met with the sight of the entire Winslow family sitting in the living room watching a black and white cowboys and Indians movie. I did not have time to ascertain whether it was the movie that was black and white or the television as the entire family had a veritable arsenal in their hands. And they were dry firing at the tv.

I was now in fight or flight mode. These were the people my parents had warned me about. These were the things I was not supposed to do. The first thought that passed through my mind was whether or not I could make it back out to the Rabbit, light up the glow plugs, fire up the engine and be well down the road before one of said guns was loaded and trained on me. Keep in mind that a diesel Rabbit posted a 0-60 acceleration time of  something like 18 seconds. With a tailwind. Down a hill. A very steep, steep hill that more resembles a cliff. With a bobsled crew pushing from the back.

I decided that I likely would not survive past warming up the glow plugs. Which, yes, means I decided to fight.

Skip was sitting in an arm chair across the room. Hope and Barb bookended Sam and Steve on a crowded couch. Skip boomed out, "Make room on the couch for Seth, boys." The two boys pushed further toward their mother leaving me a sliver to sit between them and Hope. I stepped into the living room while dragging a dog that had latched itself on to my Achilles tendon.

I sank into the sofa next to Hope. The dog moved from my flank to directly in front of me. Ears back. Eyes on only me. Growling. Skip looked over and announced, "We are shooting the bad guys." He then leaned back and lifted a leg, a' la someone about to fart, reached under the seat cushion and pulled out a beautiful silver plated, pearl handled revolver. He checked it. Spun it in his hand like a cowboy so the handle faced me and asked, "Do you know how to make sure it is safe?"

I shook my head no.

Skip proceeded to show me how to clear each chamber, handed to me, watched me as I cleared the weapon and, satisfied, said, "Now shoot the bad guys!".

I aimed somewhere in the vicinity of the television, cocked the hammer, closed my eyes and slowly squeezed the trigger, fully expecting a massive explosion, a rapid retreat to my car, the search for enough spare change to somehow pay for a tv that just exploded because of something I screwed up.

"Click"

I opened my eyes. The television was still in one piece. Everyone else was merrily firing away at the tv. No one had noticed the hippie child on the couch afraid of dry firing a gun. I had not wet my pants in public. The dog was still staring at me with burning eyes. I had passed my first test.

Oh the ways in which I am going to screw with Emiko's first date....

All Questions are Rhetorical

The DMV

Oh...the DMV.

You never know quite what to expect when at the DMV. All sorts of different people there. Renewing their license. Reinstating. Testing.

You can, however, always expect them to be slower than slow. But this is an aside.

I would never have been surprised to hear that a fight broke out in line while people waited in line. You know how it is, people get impatient, you find that guy who was tailgating you three months ago, two rival motorcycle gangs are getting their licenses reinstated after that last trip to Sturgis (you know how the Dentists and the real Doctors don't get along).

So, you may now be wondering if a fight broke out whilst I stood in line at the DMV.

It did.

But not how you expect.

Two people began screaming at each other. Another guy had to break it up. I think it almost nearly came to blows. Or at least, I think she almost threw a stapler at him.

So yeah. A fight. Behind the counter. Two employees.

Freaking hilarious.

Sleep deprivation

First chance I have had to go to the bathroom all day long came at 4:00 PM.

I found my daughter does a better job dressing herself in the morning....

My skivvies are on backwards.

To my discredit, I dressed myself in the darkness this morning so as to not wake Hope and Winslow.

Yup.

Lucas 3 position switch....

ELECTRICAL THEORY BY JOSEPH LUCAS

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as “smoke”. Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward. Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets. Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

And remember: “A gentleman does not motor about after dark.”


Joseph Lucas “The Prince of Darkness”
1842-1903

A few Lucas quips:

The Lucas motto: “Get home before dark.”
Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics. Back in the ‘70s, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators.
This has been referred to as the smoke theory - when the smoke comes out its finished, cooked or done for.

(Stolen from here)

Conversations

This is the way conversations typically go in my car.

One way to reduce my blood pressure

I've been told I need to bring my blood pressure down, that it is at the high end of the healthy level. Diet, exercise, hydration and stress were all potential contributors.

I may just do this:

Memories

This made me think of my old friend this morning.

Words that don't get used nearly enough

Asshat

Need I say more?

NYC Baby! Part Deux

Walking into the the Duane Street Hotel on Saturday (a very nice place to stay, by the way), I was confronted by the concierge who asked, "Was your brother just in here?"

I laughed and asked, "Would you say my twin brother, perhaps".

With an affirmative reply from him, we chalked up a third twins question for the weekend. I promptly texted Jefe and he spiraled ever further downward.

Woo hoo!

NYC baby!

I've been accused of many things. But yesterday I had a first (and a second) and then another first.

While at cousin David's wonderful reception after his wedding at City Hall (which was an absolute blast), I was accused of having a twin brother. Which made me laugh and left Jeff nonplussed. Later that evening, Jeff, Dad and I went out for a late night pizza. And once again, Jeff and I were accused of being twin brothers. When I laughed and said no, she immediately asked if Jeff was the oldest brother!
Jeff is now wandering around in a funk and no longer wants to be seen in public with me.

My boss in the CHL

Wayne Bonney is one of the greatest linesman to ever work the NHL. I am lucky to actually get to speak with him and learn from him in the CHL. Keep an eye on him as he disappears into the scrum. And be aware that Kordic was huge and strong...Wayne really wakes him up!

Sorry for multiple video postings today...it's just one of those days!

Umm...yeah

This is worth a giggle or two.

From the Coen brothers....

The Alumni Fund

Many, many moons ago, I worked for the Middlebury Alumni Fund while I was a student at said college. I made many calls, plead for a great deal of money and ended up calling some of my friends who had graduated ahead of me.

KT got one of these calls yesterday and she quickly wrote me an email wishing it had been a call from me. So I put together what I thought would be a good script in order to get a pledge out my fellow Alums.

It is as follows:

KT, I'm calling you today on behalf of Middlebury. You remember Middlebury, right? We educated you, housed you and fed you well for the four years you attended.

Well, I hate to tell you this, but Middlebury is in a bit of a pickle these days. Our endowment is not quite as large as some other private colleges. Plus, with the downturn in the economy, we are now facing a bit of a shortfall with our budget for the next eleven years.

We know you are in a position to donate at least $25 dollars to Middlebury this year. We have your financial records for the past ten years, your tax records for the past five years and your police records for the past four years. You really are not in a position to say no to a $50 dollar donation but we don't want you to feel like we are trying to extort money from you. That little incident that occurred in Pittsburgh two years ago really is worth at least a $75 dollar donation, especially if you don't want your family and best college friends to find out. I mean, really, getting busted plagiarizing on your report for why cock fighting really isn't an inhumane treatment of animals is a little over the top, don't you think?

Don't forget that your donation goes a long way for current students at Middlebury. They will continue to be coddled, graded on a curve, and given close in parking spaces in order to cut down on the long commute from their dorms to the student fitness center. These are all incredible reasons to donate $100 this year. Not to mention that your donation of $150 will help the school continue to place quite high in national rankings due to graduate satisfaction.

Shall we go ahead and ring up a $200 donation on your credit card tonight? We have that number too, you should know.

Did I mention we need to build a new practice rink for our National Championship hockey teams? KT, your name would go quite nicely over the door to the rink. That little international incident you had in Finland would be all but forgotten should this become the KT Ice Arena.

Let's get that donation going.

Seth
Middlebury College
98.5

God Bless John Cleese

He doesn't make nearly enough appearances these days. Can you imagine the fun Monty Python would have with this election were they still together and willing to spoof American politics?

Funny!!!

Finally...a hockey related post. Unfortunately, this is less about my words and more about the image (and I'm realizing now that this may actually be fortunate in some of your eyes...).