Daddy, come help me fix it....

There should have been a picture. Winn and my legs poking out from underneath. Us hammering away on the broken pieces.

I was lying in bed on vacation and Winn was busy playing on the bedroom floor. He had migrated beneath the cot that Emi had been sleeping in. Every now and again, he would roll out from under the cot, grab another toy and head back under. Me? I was playing sudoku on my phone.

After a while, he called to me. "Daddy, come help me fix it." I set my phone aside and moved to the edge of the bed and watched his feet poking out from under the cot. Again, there was a call. "Daddy, come help me fix it."

So I rolled off the bed, laid my sore bones down on the floor and wiggled beneath the cot. He was busy hammering away with a puzzle piece on a spring on the side of the cot. There was a pile of toys next to him. His cuddle blanket. He was intent on fixing the spring.

He handed me a puzzle piece. "Here's a screw driver. Help me fix it." I looked up at the green canvas of the cot and saw it transform into the under belly of my Land Rover. I saw the various greasy pieces he was working on. And I helped him pry, hammer and screw all the broken pieces. 

As our vacation progressed, he would often call me to help come fix the broken pieces. Every time I obliged. Every time, I saw that plain cot transform into a magnificent machine needing attention.

I saw his world and, for just a moment, I got to play with him. Work with him. And revel in the joy of his young eyes and creative mind.

My fears

Hamster Huey

I always thought this was funny "ha ha".

Now...well, now I understand. And I'm no longer sure it's funny "haha". I may just be funny "funny".

Lesson 6 - Celebration and Acceptance

Dearest Emiko, I cannot begin to find the words to express all the thoughts that are swirling through my mind on this late Friday evening. I can only begin to say that I have been humbled after reading the following post from another blog named Momastery. And I only came across this post due to a shared post from your Auntie Phoebe. So, when you are old enough to understand what you will read, please make sure to thank her.

Emi, the following will be nothing new to you. Mom and I are committed to impressing upon you the importance of welcoming others with open arms. To not be judgemental. And to stand up for what you know in your heart is right. To borrow from Paulo Coelho: if you and your heart become friends, neither you nor your heart will be capable of betraying the other.

A Mountain I am Willing to Die On

This wonderful essay moved me to tears. And that's ok. While the topic is tragic and it makes me sad, I am also overjoyed to see that there are others willing to stand up for their beliefs. Step by step, we will all continue to make this world a more beautiful place.

Please know that if you only listen to your heart, you will always know the answer when you are confronted by the challenges of life. Because I know you will always make the right choice.

I love you so very much and can't wait for you to wake so we can spend tomorrow together.

Dad

For S and J

There are some days when I must seek solace in words from the past.

Yesterday, I found out my friends lost their unborn child to suffocation by the umbilical cord. I cannot begin to express the grief I felt when I read their message and today still struggle to find a way to come to terms with such tragic news.

As a parent, we must bear the burden of fears for the children we bring to this world. We must also bear the burden for the hopes and dreams our children bring to light. And in the end, we must find a way to come to terms with the concerns that are saddled on our shoulders when we make the choice to become Moms and Dads.

Yesterday, I searched for the right words for a card for S, J and Mali. Yesterday, I turned to the words of a friend who has passed but still reaches out to offer guidance, comfort and wisdom. Yesterday, I shed a tear for loved ones lost.


"Here it is starting to be spring a little, green shoots are coming up in the lawn, struggling up through their dead ancestors. This could be taken as a metaphor, we too should struggle up through the death of the previous year, but we should not leave it entirely behind. To leave it behind would be a disservice to them and us. They need for us to preserve the memories, and we need, desperately need, the things that those memories give us.

Sadness, Joy, Hope, Contemplation.

Life is not a Garden of Eden, life is kind of like the desert, there are many things that hurt, bite and sting. (In that story, you wonder how it would have ended if he had told them not to eat the snake) But one has to find beauty in all of them. I'm sure this sounds hackneyed, but it applies.

When are we going to the desert?"

-Anthony Sloan Feb 19, 1997

A minute

Growing up, Dad always cycled through my brother's bedrooms, giving us each a minute where he would like down with us as we fell asleep. Each one of us would lie stock still in hopes that Dad would fall asleep and that our "minnie" would stretch longer than 60 seconds. It was our final moments of the day that we always shared with Dad which would lead us to sleep and dreams.

Last night, Emiko had her first true "minnie" with Dad. As we prepped for bed, she set up a little nest on the floor with her stuffed animals (Joshua the Giraffe, bear and pup-pup) and we lay down to cuddle for a moment. While she lay there talking, I gradually dozed off until I realized I was snoring and slowly worked my way back to lucidity. She was still sitting by my side talking to herself and a quick glance at my watch quickly told me that about 15 minutes had past.

Her first "minnie."

I love this kiddo!

Lesson Plan 5 - Patience

Emiko, I was going to use my blog last night as an opportunity to vent. I wrote an entire posting in my head on the way to hockey; all the things I wanted to say. It was going to be my release for all the frustrations I have had over the past few weeks.

When I got to the rink, I saw I was getting a chance to skate with an old friend. Once we got out on the ice, all my frustrations melted away and left me feeling rejuvenated after two games. I was in a better place in my mind.

I began to see the folly in my plan during my drive home. My blog is not an opportunity for me to semi-anonymously vent my frustrations to the world. That would be incredibly wrong. As our world has changed, the Internet has provided too many people the opportunity to post hurtful comments that do nothing to help benefit society. I will not lead you to believe that you will ever be allowed to do the same thing.

Emiko, you must understand that there is a time when you need to stand up and let you voice be heard. But you must never to that under the cover of anonymity. If you feel something needs to be said, do it and stand by your words proudly. Know that Mom and I will stand up with you and support you.

However, there will also be times that you will need to learn that you must bite your tongue. Generation to generation, we have been told that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say a thing. I will also include that if you don't have something beneficial to add to a dialogue, don't seek to interject yourself just for the sake of being heard.

There will be times that you will need to remove yourself from a situation and let it go. Venting your frustrations may not necessarily be the best way to rectify a situation. Approaching certain problems head on may sometimes work but you will need to learn that there are those times that a cooler head will prevail.

Mom and I will help you find ways to let go of those frustrations. It may be a sport you choose to play, it may be an instrument you choose to make music with or it may simply be a special place in the mountains you can retreat to until it has all settled out.

Emiko, Mom and I will do our very best to guide you as you learn to find your way in life. We'll listen when you need to let it all go. We'll be there for a hug when you need us to help you disappear from your troubles. But most of all, we'll stand by your side when you feel your voice needs to be heard.

I love you so much more every time I see you.

Dad

I feel queasy

Oh Emi, your Dad was not squeamish in the past. Is it you who has brought this side out in him?

I'm not sure if it was the lack of food that left me feeling woozy. Or if it was my attempt to clean out Gibson's recently ruptured cyst while also attempting to keep Emi from poking at it in between cotton balls. It does not help that the cyst has gone from oozing blood and pus to me picking out dried pus balls from it.

Or if it was the nastiest poo to date that I had to clean off of Emi moments later.

But I think I threw up in my mouth a little. I had to sit down and catch a breath of fresh air!

My mother and father had an agreement. Dad took care of the blood and guts. Mom handled everything else. I may have to call my father into town....

And.

I think I'm hungry.

A Weekend Off

I've been contemplating the upcoming weekend for quite some time. I have a weekend off from parenting. A long weekend, too!

I'm already scheduled to work two Central League games. I'm already planning a ski day at Loveland. And I'm already planning to get some sleep.

At the same time, it is hard to imagine going three days/nights without Emiko in the house. She has become such a fixture and a joy that having her gone is almost depressing. But Emi is traveling with Hope to visit the only surviving great-grandmother. I'm actually a bit jealous that I don't get to go with them.

Leaving Home

It can be one of the hardest things to do at night.

Tonight, I was headed to work the Army v Air Force game. It is an honor to get this game because there is a huge rivalry between these two schools. I've been looking forward to this for months. I was also getting to work with an incredible crew...all guys I look up to as top notch officials.

As I headed south on C-470, I called Hope to get an update on how she was feeling and how Emi was doing. I could hear Emi talking in the background. Hope put her phone on speaker so I could say hi to Emi and listen to her coo. She was smiling as we chatted and I was loving every minute of it and wishing I was at home to see Emi face to face.

All the joy in this conversation was tempered by the fact that my phone was getting low on power. Hope pointed out that I should hang up so I'd have a little juice in case I needed my phone after the game.

I spent the rest of the drive smiling and thinking about Emi talking to me on the phone. I'm looking forward to the day that she is riding with me to watch me work and when I get to drive her to watch her play. I can't wait to hear the stories she is going to tell.

NPR moment

Ahh...food for thought. All the years of arguing with parents about sleeping arrangements. Or being scared that Skip was going to come tearing into the room with a shotgun....

Those uncomfortable tendencies are left behind us now we both wear a ring on our left hand. Though the fear still exists. Take, for instance, our holiday at home last year:

Hope, to Seth as she climbs into bed with him at her family farm in Norridgewock, "Seth, why are you still fully dressed?"

Seth, to Hope...deadpan, "If your Dad comes into this room and finds me sleeping with you, it makes for a faster and warmer escape through the snowy fields."

Hope, surprised, "But we are married now!"

-------------------------------------------------

Today on NPR, they had a call in show about sleeping arrangements for the holidays. Nephews getting kicked out of the room, dating couples not being allowed to share a room...you know the story.

I remember those days!

And it dawns on me that the fuss and frustration I created at my family's house will "soon" be transferred to me when Emi comes home with her significant other.

I want to be the parent that is ok with his daughter becoming sexually active when she is older (I say this as I reach for the shotgun...) but I'm afraid of becoming the parent who will never be able to handle his baby having anything to do with...shh...s...e...x....

It's funny how the Advent of parenthood changes your perspective across such a broad spectrum of topics. The prospect of travelling changes massively. Be it a simple trip into the mountains to see friends (it's snowing, it's not worth the risk of getting hit with Emi on board) to travelling home and trying to figure out what to pack. Or even how to diaper her for the days we are home (we use cloth but Hope thinks we will be better off using disposables while we are back in Maine).

Parental decisions. And then, someday down the road, we are going to get saddled with, "Dad, I'm bringing XXX home from school for Thanksgiving. Can XXX and I share my room?"

And my answer? "Sure Emi. As long as XXX understands that the trundle bed is comfortable and that I will be camped out on the floor with my shotgun between the two of you."

Deep breaths.

I'm a Dad now....

One more day

I have but one more day left to be at home with the family full time. It is hard to fathom leaving this little child, this wonderful wife and heading back to work. It has been such a pleasure, such a blast and such an experience learning what little I know about parenthood over the past two weeks.

We've had the pleasure of company. So many of our friends have stopped by to look in on us, to meet Emiko, to share in our joy. And we appreciate all of them. It has been quite the experience. Two friends have done more than their fair share of looking after us. Cheryl has stopped by to help out and look after us. Molly has been here since before day one, looking after the house and Gibson. I can only hope that they both realize our eternal gratitude for all their help. I hope they know that we love them both dearly. As I write this, I think of Molly kicking us out of our living room last night and sending Mom and Dad to bed as she looked after Emi. True friendship.

Which makes me think about family. We live many miles and hours from our parents and siblings. Our aunts and uncles, cousins, everyone, they are all so far away. We rely heavily on the help of our friends, who have in their own right, become our family. Surrogate aunties and uncles all. But it makes me sad to think that our family is so far away that they will only be afforded a few weeks of visits in the months and years to come.

This is something I'd love to change. I'd love to have both our parents living close by where they could feel free to stop in and visit any time they would like to. The only way that I see this happening is for us to move back to Maine. And as nice as that would be, I can see right now that it won't happen. We have come to love Colorado. We have come to see it as home. Everything about this state suits us and we hope now that we can pass this "joie de vivre" along to our distant family and hope that they come home to us.

And now I find I have strayed far from my original topic. One more day. I question how to fill it up and make it special as our last day together. I can cook dinner. I can do a little more work around the house. I can make sure mother and daughter are comfortable and prepared for my absence. We can visit with our friends, unencumbered by the need to focus on work.

But you know what I really want? Just to hold Emi while I sit next to Hope with Gibson at our feet and pretend that the day will not end. We can all take a nap together. We can all take a walk together. We can just be. And we can hope that we will all have one more day.

Wish List - Birth

We are putting together papers and whatnot for Emi's file and baby book. And I was looking at our birth plan.

Support Persons Present for Labor: Partner, Doula, friends

Let's see...our labor was through the wee hours of the morning. I was there. Our doula and a nurse were there. Friends? Yeah right...though I think a few of you were awake and thinking of us during some of those wee hours.

Support Present During Medication Administration: Partner, Doula

This was right on. Though I couldn't bear to look at the needle. On top of that, I was trying to help Hope hold still during the administration. But I totally appreciate the suggestion from our instructor to stay on the front side of Hope to make sure I didn't have to watch the needle....

Support Present During Cesarean: Partner, Doula

Thankfully, it didn't come to this. My fingers were crossed that Hope wouldn't have to get sliced. As it turns out, she was born to bear babies! At least this time around....

Positions for Labor: Walking, Birth Ball, Swaying, Squatting, Hands and Knees

Ha ha (in my best Cosby impersonation). Let's see...walking? Yeah, right. It was all Hope could do to stay upright during a contraction. This was when she wasn't being suspended in our arms from the bed. Though I will say she tried to walk on a few occasions but I always felt like she was going to collapse onto the floor when a contraction hit.

The birth ball. Yeah, right (again, with the Cosby). She tried this a few times at home. Every time she lowered (no, collapsed) onto the ball, I thought she was going to roll right off. As I was running around the house, trying to grab the last few things and time her contractions, I'd see Hope getting ready to settle onto the ball. I'd have to go diving back into the room to try and steady the ball just to make sure we didn't have a mama mess splayed across the bedroom floor.

Swaying. I'm not totally sure if it was me or Hope swaying the entire time. But I'm pretty sure the room was spinning the entire time too.

Squatting. This never even came close to happening. Not once. If Hope was in any position to move when a contraction started, I had to first pry her off the ceiling (once the contraction hit) and then try to fold her into a position that she found comfortable. Inevitably, those positions were never comfortable for me. But if they worked for her....

Hands and knees. Right. No really, right! This was the one thing Hope found comfortable during early labor. For the short amount of time that we spent at home, this was generally what she felt was the best. But only if I could put a knee right against her tail bone. While I was running around the house grabbing things. And timing the contractions. And prying her from the ceiling. And trying to keep her from falling off the balance ball. And drive too the hospital. Our doula was concerned that I was losing my cool. Nope, I was just trying to multi-task. (I should have tried responding to emails and blogging about my experience all while doing the aforementioned tasks)

Rupture of Membranes (Bag of Water):

Whatever necessary. In fact, the nurse tried to break the bag but it was too tough. My daughter, the tough girl! It was broken until it finally protruded enough for the nurse to really get after it. With her teeth! (no, not really)

Comfort Measures: Heat or Cold Therapy, Massage, Jacuzzi or Shower, Music, Aromatherapy, Visualization

Right! Did I mention before that there was no time? None! We tried the jacuzzi but that just intensified Hope's contractions. She ended up turning off the jets. We then dragged a bedraggled mummy out of the tub because the was not happy being in there. Think wet cat! Aromatherapy? It went too fast. Visualization, well...we had a mirror. And as far as the music is concerned...we had picked out some fantastic music for labor and birth. When I went to flash it onto my iPod (whilst multi-tasking), Hope pitched a conniption. There was no music to be had.

Monitoring: Intermittent External, Internal if necessary

This was pretty cool. Hearing the heartbeat. Knowing it was all going well. Watching Hope squirm for twenty minutes while they established a baseline was brutal.

Food and Hydration: Ice Chips, Water, Light Snacks, IV, Popsicles

Nothing out of the ordinary here. Though there were a few moments when I thought about trying to drop a few ice chips down the front of Hope's sports bra. Keep in mind, I love doing this on a regular basis. But something told me it wouldn't be appropriate during those hours.

Medications: Prefer to Ask for Medications

Yup. If there was ever a time I was going to start drugs, labor and birth was it. But they kept saying no, despite the number of times I asked.

Positions for Pushing or Delivery: Sitting, Squatting, Side-lying, Hands and Knees

Once the epidural was in, there was only one position...on her back. But this, at least, meant that I no longer had to peel her off the ceiling after the start of each contraction. In fact, I took a nap. On my back!

Birth Options: Prefer a Tear to an Episiotomy, Perineal Massage, Warm Compresses

Too fast. It all went too fast. Hope did get to tear instead of getting cut. As far as the massage is concerned. Maybe it happened. Maybe it didn't. I wasn't about to watch anything like that!

Welcoming Baby: Immediate Contact with Baby, Cord cut by: Seth

This may be the one thing on our list that went as planned. Perfection!

Additional Desires: Photograph the birth, Lights Dimmed at Birth, Music at Birth

The lights were dimmed. I tried taking pictures with my fifth hand but I'm just not that ambidextrous. Music...yeah, we talked about music!

Postpartum: Rooming-in of Baby, Circumcison

The baby stayed with us the entire time. Which made us quite happy as we became accustomed to being parents. We got used to the diaper changes (it really is black right off the bat). And we are not about to circumcise our daughter. Not going to do it....

Feeding: Breastfeeding, Pacifier

Here too, we have been successful. Hope's milk came in fairly quickly. And Emi doesn't seem to want to go for the pacifier all that often.

So...our birth plan. It was fun writing it. We didn't even come close to really following it. But good fun looking back at what we wanted and expected for our labor and delivery.

Words

I received some wonderful messages from incredible friends regarding Emiko. Thanks to all.

This one message touched many chords, from the same man who told me to "soak it all in" while I can.

I have to say, those pictures brought back some great memories when my wife and I brought home our first bundle of joy. There are no words that can describe the feeling.

You can expect to face many challenges over the years ahead. That is certain. Just make sure to keep these pictures handy when those challenges seem to get overwhelming, and remember that feeling of love that is written all over your faces. Remember, you and Hope have already started to shape precious Emiko Rose Mukai’s life and you too will be responsible for who she grows up to become, which I have no doubt will be a proud member of our community.

As a father who has come to the reality that our kids will soon be off to College, moving out of the house, and spending more time with friends, truly experience everything there is with a newborn and take nothing for granted. Every minute is a grain of sand slipping through our finger.

Congrats and I hope to see you and your family soon.

One week of life with Emiko

Emi has been with us...well, on this plane of existence, for one week. It's been a pretty incredible ride so far.

We've been learning new methods of sleep and naps. Hope has become a breast feeding pro. I have gone from never having changed a diaper to being able to do it in my sleep.

I've started cooking again (albeit, we've had a few guests so it makes cooking for the group easier than just for two of us). I've become the leftover king (just as in childhood). I've learned where the King Sooper's is and how to push a grocery cart.

Hope is quickly becoming the mother extraordinaire. I'm not sure where she finds the energy. I'm not sure how she rouses herself from bed in the middle of the night (this is the same woman who used to spit venom at me if I woke her when I came home from hockey). She looks gorgeous and is only a week out from dropping the kid into our hands. Her milk came in fairly early so Emi's weight was right back to birth weight 5 days after her birth.

What else?

Oh, apparently, I've been nesting. Cleaning the kitchen and making it mine again. Hope is blown away and Molly supposedly whispered to her this weekend, "Who is this guy who has moved into the house with you?"

All good stuff. I'm off to change another diaper, clean the house, do the laundry and make lunch. All in the next five minutes.....

Arriving home with Emi

We were able to bring Emiko home from the hospital on Friday in the early afternoon.

Driving takes on a whole new meaning when you have a little one secured in the backseat. I'm so much more nervous, scared of other drivers but feel that our little family is comfortably ensconced in the safety of our Volvo (thanks so much to Robbie!).

As we rolled up to our house, we noticed pink balloons tied to our mailbox and more balloons as well as streamers as we pulled into the garage. Molly had decorated our house as our welcome home (thanks to YOU Molly, for decorations and taking care of Gibs while we were out and about).



Gibson was excited to see me as I walked through the door but he was looking expectantly at Hope as she climbed out of the car. A quick hi to her and then he completely melted when I carried Emiko into the house. It is almost like he looked at us and said, "Finally. I've been wondering when you would figure it out and bring home a kid to complete this family!"

Gibson won't leave her side. Where he once slept by himself in the kitchen or living room at night, he now sleeps by the bassinet. When Hope gets up in the middle of the night to feed Emi, Gibs will go with them and sit by them as Hope nurses. If I am changing a diaper, he stands by my side as I clean Emi and get her dressed again.

We continue to be so impressed by this dog.



And now it is time for another nap. We hope to see you all soon here in Colorado.

Hello for the first time...

Anniversary night, 9/9/2008, 6:00 - 9:30 PM

What we wanted: a nice evening to ourselves, good food, good fun

Hope and I had a wonderful anniversary dinner on the night on 9/9. We went out and ate dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant, enjoyed a quick dinner and headed home. We lay around the house, cuddling and talking about the future and, around 9:30, I stood up to head out to put on my hockey instructor hat. Right as I stood up, Hope got up and leaned against the wall as her first "real" contraction hit her. And then promptly ran to the bathroom saying she had just peed her pants.
Hockey night: 9/9/2008, 9:30-10:30 (11:30) PM

What I wanted: a quick trip to the rink to instruct some adult hockey players...money!

I was flummoxed. Hope kept saying how it was ok, I should head out to the rink. She was convinced that it could be another two weeks before the baby popped out. I finally headed out to the rink and called her before I stepped on the ice. She said everything was still ok...a few more contractions but nothing big.

At 10:00, the adult hockey clinic began. I was helping run the skating drills and around 10:30, I glanced over my shoulder (good ice awareness) and noticed Hope walking through the door to the rink. She was grimacing but smiling and laughing...all at the same time. I skated off the ice immediately and she was laughing and apologizing at the same time.

"I'm so sorry, I dropped my phone in the toilet!"

Her contractions had progressed and become more painful. During an especially hard contraction, she managed to sweep the phone off the sink counter top into the toilet. She fished it out immediately, and like any woman who comes from a long line of frontiersmen, natives, farmers and all around tough-guys, she began drying out the phone between contractions! To no avail. So she climbed into her car and drove to the rink to notify me that things had changed.

Is this how it worked before the cell phone age?

Labor at home: 9/9/2008 - 9/10/2008, 10:30 PM - 12:00 AM

What we wanted: our Doula, our home (until it was time), the presence of a few of our friends if they were so inclined, snacks and water, a hot bath at the hospital, multiple positions for comfort, music from our "Birth" playlist

I suggested that she could labor right there in the rink. She gave me a laugh and pointed me to the locker room. I followed her back to the house. For the first time in my life, the red lights were perfect. Every red light we hit, she had a contraction. By the time it turned green, she was ready to drive again!

At home, we called our doula and doc and were eventually instructed to head into the hospital. I was trying to time contractions, grab the last remaining things on our birth day list, pack the car and support Hope each time a new contraction hit her. Needless to say, I wasn't doing well. I felt like I was spinning my wheels.

Gibson, on the other hand, was lying there watching our antics with a look on his face as if to say, "I've seen this all before. It is nothing new, it will all be fine." No concern, no excited anticipation, just the calm dog we have come to know and love. Come to find out later the next morning, he had laid by her upstairs the entire time I was gone as she went through her early contractions. He never got excited, he was just there for her. What an incredible dog!

I went to grab and reload the Ipod. Hope took one look at what I was doing and announced that it was time to go. She clambered into the back seat, got as comfortable as she could be and we were off. I called Molly as we left the house and she said she would head over to look after Gibson.

Labor in the car: 9/10/2008, 12:00 AM - 12:30 AM

What we wanted: non-rush hour drive to our hospital, no road side delivery, green lights, no puking in the car

Well, it wasn't rush hour! I drove as quickly as I could without being stupid or putting Hope into the side doors of the car in corners. When we got off I-70 and onto Colorado Boulevard, we hit every red light on the road (all I could think about was this clip). All I wanted was a police escort to get me there before Hope blew up the back of the car.

We met our doula in the parking lot and went in through the E.R. Hope was progressing so fast that she was skipped past the other two laboring mothers who were there waiting to be admitted.

Labor...for real: 9/10/2008, 12:30 - 5:00 AM

What we wanted: natural as can be

Hope was taken straight past the Triage area of Labor and Delivery. There was no doubt that she was out of pre-labor. Straight to room 3. She was set in a bed and the baby was monitored externally for twenty minutes. She then labored in bed in various comfortable positions. We drew a bath so she could spend some time laboring in a jetted tub.

At this point, I went outside to move the car from the E.R. parking lot and to grab our bags of snacks, clothing, books and other goofy things. When I came back, her labor had intesified and she was struggling to recover between contractions. We moved Hope out of the tub and back to the bed. By this time, the contractions were so intense that it was all we (our doula, our nurse and myself) could do to hold her in a slightly suspended position. Contractions were every two minutes and Hope was gasping trying to rest for the minute in between.

Incredibly, all the time she was undergoing this incredible test and during her contractions, she was cognizant enough to exscuse herself when she burped. And to "God Bless" our doula when she sneezed. To apologize for making too much noise. Each time, it made the rest of us laugh and it allowed me a reminder to know that Hope was doing ok...she was still the same woman under the sheet of pain that was wrapping her up.

At 7.5 cm dilated, she finally said she couldn't take it anymore, she wanted an epidural. To my relief! She was exhausted and in a great deal of pain each time. However, the anesthesiologist was backed up by three other pregnancies and was not able to come in for about forty minutes. By the time he had arrived and applied the epidural, Hope was at 9.5 cm. She had gotten through the hardest part all on her own.

I was so proud.

This afforded us a moment for every one to rest. Hope could still feel the pressure from the contractions but even she was able to nap for about 45 minutes until it was time to push. I passed out on a sofa. Our doula watched the contractions on the little machine (that went boing!). Our nurse disappeared for the first time, likely to rest and check on her other patients.

Delivery: 9/10/2008 5:00 - 6:40 AM

What we wanted: a healthy baby, no C-section, no episiotomy

Hope woke at about 5 and announced that it was time...something had changed. The nurse arrived and pulled back Hope's blankets. The amniotic sack, which had yet to break, had appeared. It was pushing out just enough for us to see...almost like a little water balloon. The nurse popped the sack and Hope could immediately feel a relief in pressure.

The nurse began having Hope push with each contraction. Hope could tell each time a contraction started, even through the epidural, and eventually the nurse pulled the little stress sensor off and let Hope tell us when it was time to push. Things progressed quickly and we could soon see a little head and hair appear just inside. The nurse went and got Hope a mirror so she could see what was going on. At first, Hope seemed a little scared to look but her eyes went wide as she watched the baby's head get closer and closer with each push.

As an aside, I wasn't sure if I would be able to look at Hope's vagina during birth. It seemed strange to me that I would be able to watch our baby pop out. I glanced at the amniotic sack but once we could see the baby's hair, it was like I couldn't look away. I was so ready with anticipation that I couldn't look anywhere but at this new child we were bringing into the world together.

The nurse asked Hope to stop pushing around 6:15 as the baby was so close, it could pop out at any moment. We waited for another (seemingly interminable) 20 or so minutes until the doc arrived (our doc was not on that day). When she arrived, Hope pushed maybe three or four contractions worth and a new child was brought into our world. The doc immediately moved Baby Mukai onto Hope's belly and invited me to check the sex. I had to look twice just to verify that she was a girl. Between tears and laughter, I told Hope. The doc then invited me to come cut the baby's umbilical cord. The baby was swaddled and moved closer to Hope.

Hello for the first time, our precious little child.The baby looked around, waved her fingers and outstretched hands about, cried momentarily and made us fall in love.
8 pounds. 20.5". A lovely little girl!

Let's not forget that our country is still at war...

There is nothing else I can say here...this says it all. A message from my brother-in-law's wife Amy...my heart goes out to them as I'm sure yours will in a moment.


Here's a short email from Steve (below). He arrived in Columbus, Georgia on Sunday night only to find that his bags were lost. He went to some barracks (that he said look like they've never been cleaned) and wasn't able to wash up or change his clothes. He said, "Welcome back to the Army!"

Out of 230 or 250 Reservist who were called up, only about 79 showed up for role call (1/3). Steve said that they were VERY appreciative to those who showed up. It sounds like those who didn't report get a dishonorable discharge sent to them. Steve was able to get a cell phone before he left and calls at night when he's done for the day. He met 6 other officers who are in the same boat, so they're going through inprocessing together and eating together. Steve said two of them are pretty nice guys.

Steve will be at Fort Benning for about 2 weeks and then head to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri for about 10 days before heading to Iraq.

As for the girls and I, we are taking one day at a time. We had a Bye, Bye Daddy Party the night before Steve left with cake, ice cream and Steve got the girls some presents. We also camped out in the living room (well, tried to anyway. Aurora would not stop jumping around and eventually asked to sleep in her own bed). I'll try to send some pictures today. I can't find my camera cord. I know it's here somewhere, but I swear my mind is going in a million directions right now. Steve and I told Aurora for two weeks that he was leaving for a long time to go help people, but her poor little mind just doesn't understand. Steve said good bye to her at about 4:00 in the morning before he left and she said, "Daddy, when I wake up we can play with my new toys." When she did wake up later, she was looking for daddy. It just breaks my heart. I'm trying to do some fun things with her as the days pass, things that bring up daddy and are something for Aurora to look forward to like: Crossing off each day on the calendar, I made a "Daddy Day Countdown" and filled up a jar with M&M's. Each day Aurora gets to eat one M&M so she can see how many days daddy will be gone. The first time we started this she of course said, "Mommy, mmmm these are yummy! I like M&M's. I want lots of M&M's." :-)

I recorded Steve reading some stories on video. The first day I played it Aurora thought daddy was reading on the webcam so she started talking to him and got upset when he didn't talk to her. Both girls were touching the television screen while he was reading and thought daddy was really there. Now I play two stories during dinner time.

I also made an "Aurora's Message in a Bottle." Each night she tells me one thing she wants to tell daddy. I write the message on a piece of paper and she places it in the bottle. When it fills up we will send all of the messages to Steve. The first time we did it I said, "Aurora, what do you want to tell daddy today? Do you want to tell him you love him or tell him something fun you did today?" She said in her pouty voice, "No, I want to tell daddy that I broke the door on my little blue house!" I couldn't help but laugh. Of all the things, she wanted that for her message.
When Steve was home he put Aurora down for the night and I took care of Cadi. Putting both girls to bed was definetly my biggest challenge. Aurora kept on waking Cadi up and coming out of her room (she was supposed to sit in bed and read books until mommy was finished). When I finally got Cadi down, I went to Aurora's room and we spoke in to a tape recorder that we will send Steve when it's filled up. Poor Aurora didn't like that. She said, Daddy, daddy, when are you coming home? Mommy, I can't hear daddy!" (putting her ear up to the speaker) I said, "Aurora, we can talk to daddy, but he can't hear us right now. He will listen to the tape when we send it to him in a letter." She Started crying for Steve and said, "I want to talk to daddy, I want to talk to daddy!" Then said, "I want to talk to Daddy on one phone and Jessica on another phone!" So, I called Jessica and she told Aurora that if she will go to bed for mommy later, she and the kids will come over to visit. I'm so greatful to have such good friends. Jessica, Aiden and Terralyn came over for about an hour and a half.

The bedtime routine was much easier last night. I had both girls in bed by 7:30!

I'll do my best to keep everyone updated. The girls keep me very busy. Aurora is ready for breakfast so I better go.

Thank you for the caring and thoughtful emails and phone calls.

I ams

I am so excited
But I am scared
I am so happy
But I am nervous
I am so looking forward to a special day
But I am cautious to hope that tomorrow is the special one
I am so close to tears of joy
But I am trying to hold them back
I am so ready
But I am unprepared
I am so looking forward to being a Dad
But I want badly to hang onto my individuality
I am so ready to share my life
But I am selfish with my time
I am so madly in love
But I am looking forward to sharing this love with someone new

Getting ready for the kiddo

I had an intersting talk with Hope this morning. Her back was really bothering her and the third time the pain washed over her, she realized she was having a contraction in her back. Four in an hour (we are looking for five). We exchanged a few excited phone calls and text messages and then everything subsided.

But what a wave of excitement. I was trembling, there were tears brimming and I had a hard time putting words together without choking up. So excited, so happy and oh so scared.

We need to pack a bag tonight....