So close, so far

Another late night drive home. An evening of reffing before retreating to my home.

As I cruise home on a lonely highway, I can see the mountains outlined to my west. Tiny house lights scattered across the slope, they look like fire flies sparkling in the night sky.

Sparkle....

Sparkle....

A sparkle, according to my daughter, is what little girls are before they are born and after they die. Twinkles are little boys. My daughter's explanation to the creation and passing of life. An explanation so simple yet so creative. And far deeper and wiser than her few years should allow. May she remain so as she grows.

This thought of my daughter causes me to turn my head from the west. Before me lies the sleeping shadow of North Table Mountain. And to the east? Out over the suburban glow of Denver. Out into the plains through Kansas. Out to Missouri where my wife, my love, first attended college and I once visited.

My wife, the trooper. Trucking our family across this vast nation by herself. Manning the helm whilst entertaining the children, feeding them, consoling them and watching over them. 

Missouri where my family lies asleep at the Lake of the Ozarks. So close...I feel I could reach them across the plains through the inky darkness tonight. Hold them in my arms as they sleep. Yet...so far. Still two days of traveling before the return home to Colorado.

I want them here now. To crack the doors as I return home and check on each sleeping love. And to slip silently into bed beside my wife as I retire from the day. 

Safe travels.

Enjoy the visits.

See you soon.

Lesson Learned

The last time my parents came to Colorado to visit, I found myself in a very grumpy mood. Not that they were here at my house but that I was constantly on the go. At work. Home briefly. And then flying off to work a hockey game.

But that is my life these days. Constantly on the go, looking for ways to keep my family afloat fiscally. And I'm ok with that because that means my wife gets to be at home with the kids. Always. 

But that meant I wasn't getting to spend any time with my Mom or Dad while they were visiting. I was looking in on them but not really having the opportunity to hang out.

When my parents left the last time, Emiko was bawling. I've never seen her cry so much over having someone walk out the door. And that's when it really hit me.

Everything I do now, I'm doing for the benefit of my kids. Every chance I have to help them create good memories, I leap at. Every little adventure I get to accompany them on, I find a way to do so.

And that's just it. 

I have my memories with my parents. Years upon years of experiences. Stories. Long standing jokes. All things I will cherish and hold on to for the rest of my life.

But right now is an opportunity for my children to create memories with those same people I know and love. And every chance I can find where they can spend time together...quality time together...I will leap at that opportunity so that Emiko and Winslow will be able to look back at their childhood, years down the road, and truly know who their grandparents are. They will be able to conjure up memories, experiences and laughs. And my parents will always live on, not only in my memories but in the memories of my children.

Cancer Sucks Game #9 / Emiko's Dreams

Game #9 Grizzlies vs Eagles

Sorry for the delayed post on this one. Took the picture, sent it to myself and then forgot to get it uploaded here. But I wanted to post something Emiko said/something Hope sent to Nonni.

From Hope's email:

"...this morning Emi told me about a dream she had last night:

"Nonni and I had wings. We were pushing off the floor so we could fly
around together like fairies. You (mom) and Dad and Ojisan kept
telling us not to, but Nonni and I wanted to fly together so we kept
trying and then we did! We had so much fun flying around the house!"

Now if THAT doesn't make you feel better I don't know what will. You
are sooo important to Emi & Winn- not sure if you know just how much
they love you. The love of children is so very pure and strong, and
you should know that you are a part of their lives every single day,
whether or not you are physically with us. So many times they bring
you up in conversation; they want to share things with you and show
you what they are doing. Even Winn, when asked "who flies on a jet
plane?" always answers "Nonni!!"

If you can't fly on a jet plane this weekend, no worries, we know
we'll see you when we can. Until then, just don those fairy wings and
visit us in our dreams.  We love you so much, there are no words to
express it.

Feel better soon!"

Cancer Sucks Game #7

Game #7 Komets vs Eagles

Jeremy and his wife, Sara, run the clock at the Eagles games. They have become a good friends over the years and I always look forward to seeing the two of them during Eagles games.

Not too many folks have really asked what I have been writing on my tape. Nor have I necessarily announced to those I am skating with what is going on. However, on Saturday night, Jeremy was sitting next to me when I was taping up. He knows my rituals. He knew something was off. He noticed what I had written and knows me well enough that I don't always write on my tape.  He asked what was going on and I explained.

Jeremy and I have our rituals as well. Typically, before a game, we fist bump through the glass. This night was different. When I arrived at the timekeeper's box, I was taken aback by the note he and Sara had put up inside the glass. "We love your Mom too and hope she gets better".

Entirely unexpected. Entirely appreciated. And entirely enough to throw me off before I got back into my pregame rituals during the anthem.

Thanks Jeremy and Sara. That made it a great game.

Secret Garden

I've been searching, off and on, for years for this particular video. The original video without all the Jerry Maguire mumbo jumbo interspersed. I have a vague memory of discovering this song years ago when I was living alone in Arvada.

Anyway, Hope, for you:

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Timshel

I'm lying awake in a silent house far too late at night. My wife has passed out long ago, after putting each of the children to bed. Where was I? I selfishly disappeared to play hockey, my one night a week when I get a chance to pick up a stick and play instead of work.

There is such love in this house. I'm amazed at how this family has grown, the love that is shared and the time that is spent. I'm grateful for my parents and Hope's parents for sharing time with us here in Colorado. It makes them feel like they live far closer than the 2100 miles that separate us.

Emiko, Winslow, Gibson and I shared some time in the backyard tonight. Emiko proceeded to tackle me when I announced that I had to leave for hockey. Winslow then piled on and we all lay in the grass laughing. Gibson cuddled up close to where we were rolling about.

Their laughter and delight proceeded to keep me long after I had planned on climbing in the car. How do you choose to walk away from such moments? I can't. I revel in them. I memorize them. I choose to delay that departure to play for a moment longer. And I set them to a soundtrack....

I'm so very, very lucky.

If I Should Fall Behind

Whenever I hear this song, I think of just how much I love my wife.

To my wife

I read this post from Momastery and immediately thought of you. I was reminded of our commitment to each other, my love for you and of the wonderful friendship we have developed and maintained over all these years.

There is a song by Bebo Norman, called "Borrow Mine." It is a song he wrote about a conversation heard between two friends; one, who was going through deep personal troubles, told the other, "I just don't know if I have faith anymore." The other friend replied by saying, "Then, you can borrow mine. I'll have enough faith for both of us."

I love you.

Late nights

Emiko, you woke up last night and quietly called out for Daddy. Thanks for being so considerate...you didn't even wake up Mom who needs her sleep right now. You asked me to pick you up and we cuddled in the glider for a handful of precious minutes before you started nodding off again. I asked if you were ready to go back to bed and you said yes. But I wasn't ready to put you down.

I cherish these moments with you. I marvel at both how much you have grown and how you still fit so perfectly in my arms. I cherish your sleepy hugs and your quiet answers to my questions. I marvel at how clearly your mind processes thoughts, even when you are so tired. I will cherish these quiet father and daughter moments for the rest of time.

All my love,

Dad

Lesson Plan 7 - The Importance of Family

"Family is not an important thing, it's everything." - Michael J. Fox

Dearest Emiko, the quote above says it all, in fact, I'm having a difficult time trying to think of ways to expound on this. However, I would like to point out that family is not always blood relation. Family is also those friends closest to you, your sisters and brothers from other mothers.

Family will always help you get back up.

Family will always be there in your darkest hour.

Family will always share with you in the good and bad.

Family will always challenge you but they will never ask you why.

Family will always show you that you are loved.

Emi, I grew up a long way from our related family. It was an 8-10 hour trip from Maine to see our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. And so, while we cherished those visits with our relatives, we also had a tight group of family friends who doubled as our Maine family. Our parents were best friends with our best friend's parents. That gave us two additional sets of parents who made sure we stayed in line, made sure we remained disciplined, made sure we didn't slack off from our studies. We always knew someone who loved us was looking after us.

My Mom and Dad always impressed upon us the importance of taking care of your family, and your friends, first. Your Mom and I hope to be able to do the same.

Family first, always.

With so much love,

Dad

Lesson 6 - Celebration and Acceptance

Dearest Emiko, I cannot begin to find the words to express all the thoughts that are swirling through my mind on this late Friday evening. I can only begin to say that I have been humbled after reading the following post from another blog named Momastery. And I only came across this post due to a shared post from your Auntie Phoebe. So, when you are old enough to understand what you will read, please make sure to thank her.

Emi, the following will be nothing new to you. Mom and I are committed to impressing upon you the importance of welcoming others with open arms. To not be judgemental. And to stand up for what you know in your heart is right. To borrow from Paulo Coelho: if you and your heart become friends, neither you nor your heart will be capable of betraying the other.

A Mountain I am Willing to Die On

This wonderful essay moved me to tears. And that's ok. While the topic is tragic and it makes me sad, I am also overjoyed to see that there are others willing to stand up for their beliefs. Step by step, we will all continue to make this world a more beautiful place.

Please know that if you only listen to your heart, you will always know the answer when you are confronted by the challenges of life. Because I know you will always make the right choice.

I love you so very much and can't wait for you to wake so we can spend tomorrow together.

Dad

It's the little things....

My lovely and oh-so-generous wife mentioned this to me in passing. I had a slight understanding of the enormity of what she was about to do but...it's these little things the she does in life that go so far for so many other people.

Follow the two links and you will understand.

http://sites.google.com/site/milkforsophia/home

http://sites.google.com/site/milkforsophia/our-progress

Empty house

It's funny. My friends and I joked about how having the family gone would allow for more sleep and give me the weekend off. Hope and I joked about it too. I was looking forward to having a quiet weekend by myself.

But here I am walking into an empty house and it doesn't feel right. All the standard things I have been doing are missing. I always check on Emi when I walk in to make sure she is sleeping alright. There is an empty spot in the bed where the love of my life is usually asleep next to me. Even Gibson seems a little bummed that no one is around.

I miss them. It is safe to say I'd rather give up a little sleep to have Hope and Emi around than to be hanging out in this empty house.

They can't come home soon enough.

She makes me so proud

She handled a sudden and quick labor with aplomb...she drove to get me at the rink when her efforts to dry her cell phone were unsuccessful. She labored with no complaint, she never said that she couldn't do it, she just did what she needed to do and got herself through it. She has picked up nursing Emiko like she has been doing it every day of her life, like it just comes to her naturally. She handles dinner tonight with our friend Molly like it was just another evening in, forget about having given birth only 3 days prior. She walks about our home in an unfamiliar body with a grace, beauty and poise becoming of someone whose pregnancy was assisted by personal trainers, personal chefs and personal assistants, not of someone who recently gave birth, nursed, helped clean up the kitchen and changed a diaper.

I am so proud of her, the love of my life. I am constantly amazed, the love of my life. I am so in love with the love of my life.