In Memory of Peter

There are never words for times such as these. Peter has been with Molly for as long as I have known her, her stalwart companion. Molly lost her friend yesterday and we share the loss with her.

New music

Since I have so recently been on the subject of music....

Emiko's taste in music, while broad, has taken a precocious turn as she now asks for songs to be skipped while we are in the car by saying, "A different one?". This is probably her finding that she can control a small part of her environment but when she is frustrated with a lack of our response to her pleas for a new song, she cries out "Change it!" from the back seat.

Tonight as I put her down for bed, we sang her two favorite songs before she was comfortable crawling into her crib for the night. Knights of Bostonia and Right Me Up. She then asked for her jazz CD instead of the Rhyme Time Baby CD that she has been listening to at night.

Given this behavior as of late, I decided it was time that Dad made her a CD. After hours of deliberation and culling songs from our collection, I think I finally have the play list. I wanted songs she is familiar with but I also wanted to find a way to open her repertoire up to some new artists as well.

1. Knights of Bostonia - State Radio (go figure)
2. Right Me Up - State Radio (if you didn't see that coming...)
3. Angel Standing By - Jewel (her third most favorite song though I struggle to sing this one a cappella
4. Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel) - Billy Joel (c'mon, no lullaby collection is complete without this one and she enjoys hearing me sing this one to her on occasion)
5. Winslow's Lullaby - The Sweet Remains (YOU, loyal reader, should have seen this coming too. This is Phoebe's song for Emi)
6. Goodnight - Linda Ronstadt (I know...this should be the Beatles' version but I somehow don't own that version)
7. The Only Living Boy in New York - Simon & Garfunkel (a song Hope and I sing for our daughter when we are together to put Emi to bed)
8. Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (if you have never heard this, look it up and it will make your day)
9. Blackbird - Sarah McLachlan (such a wonderfully peaceful take on a Beatles' classic)
10. All the Wild Horses - Ray Lamontagne (about as subtle as Ray can be...)
    
11. Streets of Philadelphia - Bruce Springsteen (another video Emi enjoys)
12. La Mer - Kevin Kline
    
13. Scarborough Fair/Canticle - Simon & Garfunkel
14. She Says - Ani Difranco (it was difficult to find a song that was quiet enough and not too provocative)
15. Yesterday - The Beatles (I struggled between this version and a one solo by McCartney)
16. 12:59 Lullaby - Bedouin Soundclash
17. Sunset Road - Bela Fleck & The Flecktones
18. The Scarlet Tide - Alison Krauss
19. Sweet Dreams - Dixie Chicks (the first time I heard this, Hope was singing it and I was convinced that she had written the song herself)
20. Baby Mine - Alison Krauss
21. Out of the Woods - Nickel Creek
    

A night out

It's a perfect night to be celebrating life here in Colorado. We are sharing the night with two of our closest friends at Red Rocks enjoying Ray Lamontagne.

Who'd have thought during the first time we saw him at The Fox Theater in Boulder that we would be here now? February '05...we had just bought our house and were in the process of unpacking the boxes when Dad flew in to ski with Jeff. Married with an incredible daughter? I'm not sure if it the music or the memories that are causing me to tear up. Perhaps both...

"A man needs something he can hold on to. A nine pound hammer or a woman like you."

Here I am hanging on to Hope's shoulders. Pretending to rub them but really just trying to stay upright as I have nothing left in me after my bought with the stomach flu over the past four days. May I always have my wife's shoulders to lean on.

The next show we saw Ray at was a bigger venue: the Paramount Theater in Denver, November '06. We even took my parents to this show. This was his breakout show for us. He nailed it, we were hooked. This was the first time I really had the opportunity to listen to the songs I had drawn from so heavily during the summer of the previous year. Hope had spent that summer travelling and I spent the time writing a song for her that I had no idea would become my proposal to her.

And these memories come flooding back with his music now as a man proposes to his wife during this show just a few feet away from us.

The next show was at CU Boulder in November '08. Of all the shows, this is the only one that we could say was less than stellar. And it was a great show, it just didn't have the energy that other shows had. But it was a special night for us. Molly was babysitting for us to give us our first night away from Emiko...all of two months old.

Ellie Caulkins Opera House, November '09. Ray solo. Up close and personal. And we was so personable that night. Talking, telling stories, joking...something we had never seen before. Truly a night to remember. Molly looked after Emi again; Hope and I vowed that Molly was coming to the next Ray concert.

And here we are. August '10 at Red Rocks. As Hope said, it is the cherry on the sundae.

There is an energy here at Red Rocks. A bar was set in the 80's when U2 broke out here. I've seen Neil Young meet that bar here with Cow Girl in the Rain. Petty came close. State Radio was special but they get bonus points with Chad being an old Middlebury buddy and being our daughter's favorite band.

"Are we strangers now like rock n roll and radio?"

What a poignant chorus. Music has been so dear to me but it is no longer found on the air waves. It's found on iTunes. It's word of mouth. It's Slacker radio. It's the Music Genome Project. It is not the drivel we find on the air waves, it does not move my soul.

Ray is still up at the top of that list. He finished his first set with a driving rendition of Henry Nearly Killed Me (It's a Shame). His encore was a simple medley of Neil Young's Down by the River and Pink Floyd's Breathe (Reprise). Incredible.

We'll be back again.

Overdue thank you

We were given an album a while ago by one of our dearest friends. And we appreciated the music for many reasons. The is a Middlebury connection, an artist we have enjoyed in the past and it is fantastic acoustic music.

I was out driving the other day and this one song came up on the iPod. And it suddenly struck me. Not that it wasn't pointed out before by our friend but for some reason the song suddenly rang true.

I finally heard the lyrics. I finally heard the notes. It finally came together and made sense.

So thanks Fibby. I needed this!


If I could wash your fears away
And walk you down to the waters edge
Read your fortune in the stars above
If it would set your mind at ease.

And I would take your hand in mine
We would sing a new song
Walk you home by the light of the April moon
If it would set your mind at ease.

Lay your worries and your trouble by the front door, Son
C'mon in 'cause it's supper time
May your heartache bother you no more, Son
Little child of mine.

If I could chase those clouds away
And turn that raining into sunshine
If I could speak the healing of your heart
You know I would set your mind at ease.

Lay your worries and your trouble by the front door, Son
C'mon in 'cause it's supper time
May your heartache bother you no more, Son
Little child of mine.

Darling won't you play with me
Hem these rays of sunlight
Darling won't you stay with me
'Til I know that it's alright

Alright, yeah
Alright, yeah

Sweet child don't cry
And I will sing a lullaby
Sweet child don't cry
And I will sing a lullaby

-Winslow's Lullaby, The Sweet Remains

Firsts

I've been meaning to write this down for weeks now. Then again, it seems as if there have been so many "firsts" as of late that I'm having a hard time keeping track of all of them in my head.

Emiko and I were out playing in the Land Rover a few weeks back, just as she always loves to. She understands how the key works to unlock the door. She understands that the key goes in the ignition. This one time, she asked me to start the truck and I obliged from the passenger seat. I watched Emi pretend to drive and flip switches from the passenger seat. After several minutes of idling, I killed the engine and handed her the keys (she loves holding keys). I turned my attention to some old tapes in the backseat and then heard the starter kick and the engine catch. I turned back to see Emi smiling up at me saying, "I did it."

Yes, you did. No more keys for you....

A good friend loaned us a pair of hockey skates for Emi. I brought them home after reffing one night and set them in the bedroom before climbing into bed and drifting off to sleep. The next morning, I called Emi into our room when she awoke me. I told her I had a "gift." She came in with her eyes sparkling and I showed her the skates. She promptly sat down in my lap and told me to put them on her feet. The moment we had the skates laced up, she stood up and began to walk off. I scrambled to catch her and hold her hand but she was already walking all over the place. I spent the rest of my morning before work trying to convince her to let me take them off.

I love this little girl.

For S and J

There are some days when I must seek solace in words from the past.

Yesterday, I found out my friends lost their unborn child to suffocation by the umbilical cord. I cannot begin to express the grief I felt when I read their message and today still struggle to find a way to come to terms with such tragic news.

As a parent, we must bear the burden of fears for the children we bring to this world. We must also bear the burden for the hopes and dreams our children bring to light. And in the end, we must find a way to come to terms with the concerns that are saddled on our shoulders when we make the choice to become Moms and Dads.

Yesterday, I searched for the right words for a card for S, J and Mali. Yesterday, I turned to the words of a friend who has passed but still reaches out to offer guidance, comfort and wisdom. Yesterday, I shed a tear for loved ones lost.


"Here it is starting to be spring a little, green shoots are coming up in the lawn, struggling up through their dead ancestors. This could be taken as a metaphor, we too should struggle up through the death of the previous year, but we should not leave it entirely behind. To leave it behind would be a disservice to them and us. They need for us to preserve the memories, and we need, desperately need, the things that those memories give us.

Sadness, Joy, Hope, Contemplation.

Life is not a Garden of Eden, life is kind of like the desert, there are many things that hurt, bite and sting. (In that story, you wonder how it would have ended if he had told them not to eat the snake) But one has to find beauty in all of them. I'm sure this sounds hackneyed, but it applies.

When are we going to the desert?"

-Anthony Sloan Feb 19, 1997

A minute

Growing up, Dad always cycled through my brother's bedrooms, giving us each a minute where he would like down with us as we fell asleep. Each one of us would lie stock still in hopes that Dad would fall asleep and that our "minnie" would stretch longer than 60 seconds. It was our final moments of the day that we always shared with Dad which would lead us to sleep and dreams.

Last night, Emiko had her first true "minnie" with Dad. As we prepped for bed, she set up a little nest on the floor with her stuffed animals (Joshua the Giraffe, bear and pup-pup) and we lay down to cuddle for a moment. While she lay there talking, I gradually dozed off until I realized I was snoring and slowly worked my way back to lucidity. She was still sitting by my side talking to herself and a quick glance at my watch quickly told me that about 15 minutes had past.

Her first "minnie."

I love this kiddo!

Lesson Plan 5 - Patience

Emiko, I was going to use my blog last night as an opportunity to vent. I wrote an entire posting in my head on the way to hockey; all the things I wanted to say. It was going to be my release for all the frustrations I have had over the past few weeks.

When I got to the rink, I saw I was getting a chance to skate with an old friend. Once we got out on the ice, all my frustrations melted away and left me feeling rejuvenated after two games. I was in a better place in my mind.

I began to see the folly in my plan during my drive home. My blog is not an opportunity for me to semi-anonymously vent my frustrations to the world. That would be incredibly wrong. As our world has changed, the Internet has provided too many people the opportunity to post hurtful comments that do nothing to help benefit society. I will not lead you to believe that you will ever be allowed to do the same thing.

Emiko, you must understand that there is a time when you need to stand up and let you voice be heard. But you must never to that under the cover of anonymity. If you feel something needs to be said, do it and stand by your words proudly. Know that Mom and I will stand up with you and support you.

However, there will also be times that you will need to learn that you must bite your tongue. Generation to generation, we have been told that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say a thing. I will also include that if you don't have something beneficial to add to a dialogue, don't seek to interject yourself just for the sake of being heard.

There will be times that you will need to remove yourself from a situation and let it go. Venting your frustrations may not necessarily be the best way to rectify a situation. Approaching certain problems head on may sometimes work but you will need to learn that there are those times that a cooler head will prevail.

Mom and I will help you find ways to let go of those frustrations. It may be a sport you choose to play, it may be an instrument you choose to make music with or it may simply be a special place in the mountains you can retreat to until it has all settled out.

Emiko, Mom and I will do our very best to guide you as you learn to find your way in life. We'll listen when you need to let it all go. We'll be there for a hug when you need us to help you disappear from your troubles. But most of all, we'll stand by your side when you feel your voice needs to be heard.

I love you so much more every time I see you.

Dad

A quiet moment

I noticed a little Honda Element parked along the side of the road on my way to hockey tonight. I've seen cars parked at this location but never quite as askew as this. It looked like they had come in hot and the rear doors were wide open with a sheet spread across the interior. It was empty and no one was inside or in sight.

My heart immediately went out to them as the Element was parked in front of a tiny Emergency Vet clinic where the Vet lives in the adjoining house and is available at all hours of the day and night.

Whenever you see a car parked here late at night, I can only imagine the fear and the pain that must be held inside that tiny red building. But I am also so relieved that a Vet has decided to set up shop, live where he or she works and to be there during my fellow pet owners most trying times.

God bless.

One cool evening after hockey

I played hockey last night. I had a blast, scored a few goals and generally felt pretty darn good on the ice. When we finished, I headed toward home but Hope was already asleep and I was feeling pretty hungry. I settled on a pizza and swung by Old C's.

While I waited for my late night meal, I spent some time catching up by reading some old emails. While I was staring at my Blackberry, this email from Bob Lefsetz came in and as I read it, I was nearly moved to happy tears thinking about the time Hope and I saw U2 at the Pepsi Center.

U2 was always one of the bands on my bucket list. When I got to see them with my future wife, it was a dream come true.

So when I walked out of Old C's, I popped in my remastered copy of Joshua Tree, rolled down the windows and cranked the volume.

I was at peace.

I was in heaven.

I was alive.

I was so appreciative for my many blessings.

Lesson Plan 4- Education

Emiko, I received a message from a person I know in the cycling industry. He is working through school, working at a bike shop and all he wants to do is continue working in the cycling industry. He is wondering how important it is for him to finish college.

D, I would be remiss if I told you not to finish school.

Finish school. While I know plenty of people who work in the cycling industry without the benefit of college education and do fairly well, you will have a better shot getting a job at the company of your choice if you approach them with a college education in your background. Beyond having a simple piece of paper that states you are a graduate, college can also help further your ability to learn new systems quickly. It shows your employers-to-be that you have the motivation to finish what you start and that you are dedicated to continuing your personal education.

I know how difficult, both from a time standpoint as well as a fiscal one, college can be. It took me ten years to pay off my college loans. But I promise you that you will have more opportunity if you decide to finish off school. Finish school.

Finally, as much as you desire to work in the bike industry now, things may change in ten years. You may want to change your career. You may be forced to change your career for various reasons. You may decide to start a new company. Do not limit your future by walking away from an education right now.

Finish school.

I’ll get off my soapbox now.

Emiko, I can not begin to stress how important it will be for you to further your education. We are, right now, faced with a shift in the paradigm of our workplace. Jobs are continuing to be outsourced over seas. Workers are asked to do more on a daily basis with less. Jobs are eliminated and those responsibilities are being shifted to those who remain. Workers are being asked to be more productive with their time as they cover vacated positions that will not be filled.

And none of this is necessarily wrong. As an individual, we will need to be able to adapt to this new way of work life. We need to make sure that rather than stagnating in a position, we continue to push ourselves to learn more and increase our value at work rather than miring ourselves in what some see to be a hopeless position.

It will be a whole new world for you and for me by the time any of this begins to make sense.

I love you. More than anything else.

Dad

Time

It used to be I had all the time in the world. There was no rush and even if I had to be somewhere at a specific time, I usually did not have to worry about going anywhere else afterward. I was used to checking my cell phone for the time and just gauging the rest from there.

These days, it seems like not only do I often have a fairly set schedule, I also have to pay attention to how long I have been doing something as I usually need to run off to the next appointment. Relying on a cell phone that may or may not be in my pocket is no longer reliable.

All this leads up to me needing a watch. I had decided a while back that I wanted to find myself a nice watch...save up some scrill and splurge a bit on something that would be with me for a long time. However, I was having a tough time finding something that suited me. I was also struggling with finding a brand that was neither too hoighty toighty or too Mickey Mouse.

I bumped into a Seiko in my travels and that brought back memories. Memories of my Grandfather's gold Seiko. A watch that was going to stay in the family after he passed on. It was passed along but belongs to someone outside the family due to a little criminal issue in Montreal.

I started keeping my eyes open for the right Seiko and ultimately settled on a Kinetic Seiko that looked like it would fit the bill.

It keeps time. I don't have to wind it. It keeps me on track.

Most of all, every time I see it, I remember my Grandfather. That means more to me than keeping track of what time it actually is.

Every now and then, we have to look back to figure out where we are and see where we are going.

I'm going to miss this bike

I'm going to miss this bike.

I've cleaned her up, checked all the bolts, the wheels, lubed the chain and pulled my name stickers off the frame.

But then I got to my black tape.

As many of you may know or remember, when Anthony passed, I put his initials on a black piece of hockey tape around my seat tube. I've looked at it every day I rode since he passed away. I've looked at it on days when I was not able to ride. I have a similar piece of tape on the right housing of my skates. His memory is there every day.

I assumed after a year passed, I would remove the remembrance and on. But a year passed not too long ago and I was not able to remove the tape. Just as I have not removed his hand writing from my whiteboard at work.

My 575 is sold and the new owner is on his way to our house right now. Everything is done but I can see my bike silhouetted in the garage door from my seat in our kitchen. I can see that small strip of tape wrapped around the seat tube. Despite all the work I have done on the bike, despite all the rides I have been on with my 575 and despite the fact it has been over a year since Anthony left, I just can not seem to do it.

All this with Anthony's sprite-ish sense of humor hanging over my shoulder with a Seinfeld line, "You should just do it like a band-aid. One motion. Right off!"

I had decided that the tape would stay on my skates. But it would stay on that pair of skates. I go through a pair every season or so but I save my old skates in the garage so that pair, that memory, will be with me for the rest of time. Not so with this bike. Most of my bikes will stay with me but my mountain bikes move on to new homes every year or so.

I'll miss the memories. They will not go away but they will fade, just as the memory for this particular bike will fade. And I suppose that this is the process for moving on.

Tommy Cash - The In Crowd

Look this one up. A dear friend just sent this to me and it made me smile and cry at the same time. It's worth listening to.



It's five o'clock and one more working day is finally at an end
I hurry from my job and start my car light the traffic once again
And drivin' down the interstate my tension eases as the traffic fence
Now I lay my worries far behind and wonder what the in-crowd might be doin'

Farther down the road a pretty woman's waitin' with a drink for me
And there's a lotta woman there and pretty soon that's where I'm gonna be
I'm the only one that's missin' I'm the only one the in-crowd's waitin' for
As I drive around the back I leave my car and open up the door

And there stands the in-crowd and they're not a sin-crowd
There's a part of my life-crowd my kids-and-my-wife-crowd
She hands me my coffee and the kids gather round me
And it makes me so proud to be in with the in-crowd
Oh I love the in-crowd and they're not a sin-crowd
They're the light of my life-crowd my kids-and-my-wife-crowd
She hands me my coffee the kids gather round me
And it makes me so proud to be in with the in-crowd

Lesson Plan 3 - Fear

Emiko, there is very little I fear in this world.

I don't want to get hit by a puck. I don't want to fall off my bike. I don't want to crash my car.

Am I afraid of those things? No. They are things I don't want to do because I don't want to deal with the consequences.

But I can tell you that I fear death.

Not in the way that I don't know what will happen to me afterward. Heaven or hell. Or nothing at all. That is not at all what scares me.

I fear death because I don't want to leave you or your Mom behind. I fear death because I don't know what I'll do without my parents. I fear death because I can not fathom ever having to let go of my child.

Emi, I don't know that I have an ultimate lesson for you in this message. But I do know that by talking about what I fear most, it will help allay those nagging fears. I know that by admitting my fears, I can rely on friends and family to help me overcome them. I know that by opening a discussion, it will help close the door to all that I am afraid of.

Your fears change shape over time. I remember being scared of the dark. I remember never wanting to go all the way to the cold room in the basement. I remember being scared of the back room in the old barn.

As you grow, you will overcome your individual fears. Life will present you with new gifts, new obstacles and new directions; you will have to find ways to overcome each new challenge and any fears that may be associated with it.

I'm here to tell you that you don't have to go it alone. Emi, don't ever be afraid to put a voice to your fears. Don't let them gnaw at your soul. Address them, work through them, find a way to conquer them.

Your friends, your family...we'll all be by your side to help you through these challenges. Come to us when you need the help. Ask us your questions. Tell us what scares you the most. Once you do, you'll find a way through it all.

I've been listening to a song by John Mayer lately. It's helping me put words to my fears.

"Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Emi, every day I learn more. Every day I face new challenges. Every day I figure out how to push back my fears just a little more. And every day, I love you more than the last.

I love you.

Dad